Why the Topic of Women in Leadership Makes Some People Uncomfortable
and how to welcome what's uncomfortable
*Warning: Reading this post about feeling uncomfortable may cause you to feel uncomfortable. If you don’t wish to feel uncomfortable, stop reading. Go find something else to read, like Anne of Green Gables. That’s a good one; I’m enjoying that one myself right now.
Why Does the Topic of Women in Church Leadership Make Some People Uncomfortable?
As I have explored this topic over the last two years, I’ve discovered many uncomfortable things that might motivate someone (including me) to either avoid this topic or pressure men-only leadership into changing. I have also discovered why these things need not drive us to self-protective coping strategies. So here are a few. By the way, this is not an exhaustive list.
1. Guilt at Missing God’s Standard
“If God set standards for men's and women’s roles and I haven’t been following those standards, I shall feel terribly guilty. Likewise, if I have been following a standard that God didn’t set and teaching others to do the same, I shall also feel terribly guilty. It’s just more comfortable if there’s no standard to uphold, or if God’s standard goes along with what I’m already doing.”
Avoiding a topic to sidestep guilt is to forget the power of the cross. The reason we can look our sin in the face is because we know that no matter what we’ve done, Jesus has already paid for it.
If we’ve been operating under the pretext that we’re less sinful than others, we deceive ourselves (1 John 1:8-10). Pride believes that Jesus didn’t have to die quite so much for us as he did for everyone else. To discover that we are just as guilt-ridden, sin-excusing, and self-loving as everyone else is humbling but necessary to accept the fullness of Christ’s grace.
Regardless of what stance someone takes on this topic, let’s accept that no one has been living according to God’s standards. When approaching the gender topic, the question isn’t: Have I been doing it right? The question is, how is God leading me to do this now?
2. Anger is Uncomfortable!
“I don’t like talking about this gender topic because it makes everyone so mad. Obviously, people have a chip on their shoulders about this, and they need to deal with their problems. I just don’t want them to deal with their problem with me.”
Talking to angry people is uncomfortable, especially if that anger is directed at us. However, trying to avoid angry people is like trying to avoid painful circumstances.
God grows us through uncomfortable, angry people. The question isn’t, how can I avoid this uncomfortable subject or person? But rather, what might God be doing through this uncomfortable subject or person? It may be that God is growing you and that disgruntled person through a conversation together.
Anger is usually a sign that something we value is being threatened. If we are willing to listen to others express their anger while being attuned to the Holy Spirit, we may catch a glimpse of what God is doing in that person. Those who wish to lead others to the Lord may be called to suffer with angry people, discern the heart behind the anger, point to Christ as the healer, and be willing to go to the cross with them &/or for them.
3. Who Can I Trust?
“It’s just that there are people I trust who believe and teach that men and women are to have these separate roles in the family and church. If I start questioning whether those trustworthy people have it wrong, I feel like everything can be questioned. Suddenly, my belief systems feel so insecure. What’s wrong with relying on certain people’s understanding of scripture when I don’t feel capable of understanding difficult parts of scripture myself?”
Some parts of scripture are straightforward. Other parts of scripture aren’t and spark all sorts of scholarly debate. While we may decide to trust the scholars regarding difficult parts of scripture, the existence of varying and even contradictory views about difficult passages needn’t shake our trust in Christ-alone. Knowing definitive information about a tricky passage isn’t necessary for us to love God and love others if our faith is in Christ-alone and his work in us.
If we put our trust in a teacher or system that adds or subtracts from God’s clear design about the union necessary for children to be made (be it physical or spiritual children), we are in for a rude awakening.
Rude awakenings are unpleasant and humbling. However, God uses reality checks to grow us into the person he means us to be. Unsustainable lifestyles, false formulas for growth, and structures built on human strength rather than Christ’s strength must be torn down so that we might build our lives more and more on Christ. This is scary, but ultimately the best way to live.
4. Trusting Only Jesus is Scary
Women’s version: “Not allowing women the opportunity to lead is so demeaning and devaluing. I need my_____________ (church, family, leaders, etc) to value me as much as men are valued in order to feel valuable. I also need to have the same opportunities for power and control as men do in order to feel significant &/or be able to make change in the world. The idea that I am to derive value, security, and power from Jesus alone is just too difficult.”
OR
Men’s or women’s version: “Allowing men and women to lead together is so contrary to my current system of beliefs. I need my ___________________________ (church, family, leaders, etc) to maintain my version of order to feel in control, secure, and valued. The idea that my interpretation of the Bible may be wrong and that I might have to give up a male-only leadership model and rely on Jesus alone for my value, security, and power is just too frightful to consider.”
Until all our efforts fail, how will we realize that we can’t achieve value, power, and security on our own? And until we stop believing in ourselves, how can we trust that Christ is the only one who can give us lasting value, power, and security?
Until our systems for value, security, and power are threatened and torn down, how will we see where we’ve wrongfully placed our security, value, and power? And until we realize our systems are faulty, how will we rely upon Christ for lasting security, power, and value?
When our lives are squeezed, the truth of what we trust pops out. If our current situation squeezes us and we don’t like what’s popping out, we can call upon the Lord to live in us so that Christ redeems and purifies all that comes out of us. Similarly, suppose we’re tempted to avoid situations that will squeeze us uncomfortably, or build safeguards against them. In that case, we can remember that every uncomfortable situation is an opportunity for the Lord to transform and refine us. We know that no matter what sin comes out of us, Jesus can still forgive, heal, and transform.
5. I Prefer People Like/Unlike Me in Leadership
Men or Women: “When I think of my leaders, I think of a certain kind of person, and that person isn’t a woman. Women are too _________________ (sensitive, interfering, boisterous, impatient, fragile, alluring, emotional, ignorant, etc.) I’m just more comfortable having leaders that are ____________________ (strong, stoic, determined, stalwart, uber-educated, manly, forceful, etc.). I need leaders like this to help me feel comfortable.”
OR
Men: “To do the hard work of leading is serious, intense, and intimate, and not everyone is called to do it. I am called to do it, and I don’t feel comfortable sharing that kind of work with women. They’re too _________________ (sensitive, interfering, boisterous, impatient, fragile, alluring, emotional, ignorant, etc.) I’m just more comfortable working with people who handle life like I do.”
The question is not: whom do we prefer to work with, but rather who is God calling us to work with? Likewise, the question is not: whom do we prefer to lead us, but rather who is God calling to lead us? If we trust God to develop us according to his program and not our own, we don’t need to fear who God calls to be our coworkers or leaders; they’re part of his program. We don’t have to develop or maintain systems that keep “uncomfortable” people away from us or out of leadership.
If we discover a weakness, distrust, or aversion in us in regards to the opposite (or same) gender, we can confess to a trusted person and ask the Lord how he is inviting us into his healing. “Lord, how are you calling me to work through my ____________________ (lust, ignorance, disbelief, suspicion, fear, idolization, over-protection etc.) of women/men? Help me to take responsibility for my own issues and be honest with others about them too.”
When we find that God’s calling takes us into situations that make us feel uncomfortable, we have found the cutting edge of growth. The question is not, “How can I get out of this uncomfortable situation,” or “How can other people make me feel more comfortable,” but, “How is God calling me to be like Christ in this uncomfortable situation?”
God uses every circumstance to transform us for his glory when we are putting our faith in Christ and allowing him to change us.
Is God calling us into a unity and intimacy where we’d previously been closed and afraid? Is God calling us to step aside to heal so that those who are willing and called may be united? In Christ, we can do what might seem impossible with courage and love.
6. My Beloved Leaders Might Leave!
“But you see, I like my church leaders and I don’t want to offend them or make them mad. They’re not open to having women in leadership right now, and I’m afraid that if I or someone else pushes them to change, they’ll say, ‘Fine! If you want women in leadership, you obviously don’t want me. I’m outta here!’ Then who will lead my church? I’ve got to keep this issue under wraps to keep my leaders happy and at the helm. I’d rather have these leaders than new ones!”
Basing our security on our leaders is like building our house on shifting sand. Parents, bosses, and leaders help us learn to trust and obey, but ultimately, that trust and obedience belong to Jesus. When we rely on the Lord for our security, nothing can shake us, even angry leaders and the people who may displace them.
The question is not: how can I keep my leaders happy, but what is God doing in my leaders’ lives? What part am I to play in God’s work of growth and love for my leaders? To sense where God is working is to see the cutting edge of growth. If we sense where that is, we can discern how God is calling us to be a part of it.
It is not outside God’s scope and line of work to raise up “crusaders” to oppose or force leaders out of their positions. Frequently, this is how leaders fall; more powerful, winsome, influential, or innovative people come along. Rarely do we see smooth transitions between leaders. While this is uncomfortable for the common folk, again, this is not outside God’s domain. The Lord puts people in power, and the Lord takes people out of power. We can be at peace with the knowledge that God always has good in mind for us and them as he wields ultimate control.
7. That’s Nice But Not For Me
Women: “It’s not that I’m against women in leadership, I’m just uncomfortable with the idea that God might choose me to be some kind of leader. I’m not a leader. I’m just a normal person. I’d rather use any excuse in the book—including a suspicion that the Bible tells women not to do this—to avoid having to be a leader in my church. Who wants to do hard disciplinary things that will result in people not liking you? Let’s just let the men do that. Besides, they don’t even want me!”
The safest, most joyful, exhilarating, and peaceful place to be is in God’s will. Anywhere else pales in comparison. Thus, to run away from God’s calling so that we avoid something uncomfortable will ultimately not bring us lasting comfort at all.
When we face our fears with the Lord by our side, seemingly frightening things become vehicles through which God shows us his mighty power. Not only that, but we get the privilege of being part of the action!
The question is: is it the most loving thing to leave the unpleasant work for someone else to do? To love others as much as we love ourselves means being willing to put ourselves in uncomfortable situations for their sake. Through Christ, this is possible.
8. Watching Leadership Struggle
Women: “It’s just so painful watching men struggle in leadership with things that women do quite naturally. Why don’t they ask for help? Why do they have to make rules to say women can’t help? God made women to be united with men in the work of the Lord. What am I supposed to do, just sit on my hands not doing anything? This is maddening!”
If the Lord calls you to be a part of a congregation that doesn’t allow women in leadership, and if the Lord calls you to share the burden of church leadership with men, God is going to open doors for you to do that work regardless of bylaws or human traditions. That work will be for the edification and growth of both men and you according to God’s good timing and always in accordance with Christ’s love.
The pain we bear watching another struggle needn’t be fruitless. Through Christ, that struggle produces perseverance, patience, empathy, and love for another.
Ultimately, God desires to perfect us through the struggles that he allows, so if someone refuses help in their struggles, it may be that God is calling us to be with that person in fellowship in the midst of their suffering instead of trying to rescue them from it. Sometimes our presence is more powerful than our helping hands.
9. People Bully Me
“I don’t want to talk about this subject with people who disagree with me because they’re all too clever and they run circles around me. I get flustered and confused and say stupid stuff that they misunderstand and use against me to show me how I’m sexist or a psycho-feminist or how I don’t care about the opposite gender as much as I care about myself. It feels like they’re just trying to prove that I’m no good. I feel yucky after talking about it, so I just don’t.”
See #2: Anger is Uncomfortable.
It is impossible to believe in the good of another unless we are firmly rooted in Christ’s love. So long as we aren’t relying on people to believe we are good, safe, loved, understood, or capable, we can hear people’s accusations and arguments without being shaken. We can put aside the need to be listened to and instead listen to their hearts and find the goodness in them. We can rest in the assurance that whatever false or confusing things they say to us or about us, only God has the authority to confirm such things as true or false. If the Lord reveals that their accusations are correct, we can remember Christ’s work on the cross and how that enables us to apologize and ask the Lord to transform us.
When our conversations become about loving others, there is no fear of being cut off, out-talked, or falsely accused. We simply love people where they are. The Holy Spirit guides us in those conversations to show us how we might best listen and lovingly speak God’s Word into their lives.
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Beautifully said! Thanks for writing this.