Distracted Driving
and an analogy
I ran a red light while driving my kids to their co-op this morning. It was a controlled left-hand turn, and I blew right through the red arrow. My kids made sure to notify me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have known. Somehow, they were able to argue with each other and also notice my driving error. I was too annoyed at their arguing to notice the red light.
This reminded me of how I prefer driving with my husband to driving alone. He’s truly great with the kids and a good driver to boot.
This also reminded me of a driving analogy I once heard to define men's and women’s roles in marriage. The analogy went something like this:
To avoid running red lights, families need someone to focus on driving and someone to focus on the children. Men are essentially better at driving the metaphorical roads of this world, and women are essentially better at handling children; thus, men should lead, while women should take care of the children. These distinct roles create a peaceful “car ride.” The husband’s backup of the wife fortifies her authority with the children, and the wife’s backup of the husband fortifies his authority to drive.
Hmmm… What do you think? Doesn’t sound too bad. Does it?
A Valid Comparison?
WARNING: I will now dissect this analogy in a way that might seem offensive to you if this sort of analogy has helped your marriage become healthier. Forgive me. I can see how such analogies may help marriages where a husband and wife are locked in a power struggle or feel unsupported by a spouse. However, as this has not been the case in my marriage, I feel no qualms about picking apart this driving metaphor.
Is driving a car a valid comparison to family or church life? Are families like car rides? Here are some things to consider:
This metaphor has an obvious parallel with mothers focusing on their children. However, the parallel isn’t so clear for the men. What does “driving the roads of this world” mean? Being the literal driver of all family vehicles? Deciding how a family will talk with those outside the family? Deciding how a family will vote?
If we mean a spiritual driver, again, we have to define what that means. Does the spiritual driver decide where a family goes to church? Does a spiritual driver lead family devotions? Does a spiritual driver teach their kids about Jesus? Does a spiritual driver represent God to the family?
I want to say yes to all the above. However, are these activities that husbands must do without their wives as co-workers?
If a husband and wife were to do these activities together, would that impede the spiritual direction of the family? I don’t think so.
Cars have one driver. Unless a family has one person who has total control over a family’s direction in the world, this doesn’t seem like an accurate metaphor. Both the husband and the wife have the ability to build up or tear down a family. (Proverbs 14:1)
Maybe a self-driving Tesla would be a more accurate metaphor for family life, where God is the actual one steering the car. People like to claim the driver’s seat, but they aren’t really in control.
Is it possible to lead a group of people in a particular direction while also listening to them, being with them, serving them, seeing to their needs, empathizing with them, teaching them, &/or nurturing them? Did Jesus do this?
Isn’t this exactly what Jesus did? He doesn’t seem to model a complete focus on “driving the roads of this world” while entrusting women to take charge of the spiritual children. In fact, caring about others’ daily needs, serving them, being with them, healing them, teaching them, and leading them to the cross is how Jesus led them.
Jesus seems to understand the limits of a one-man operation even in his ministry. He said it was better that He leave so that the Holy Spirit could come upon His followers. Jesus’ ascension and His sending His Spirit into the members of His Body to continue His work was better than a one-male-led operation for the spreading of the Christ-life.
If we take this metaphor literally—man drives, woman takes care of the children—then men would need to give up their focused interactions with their children to be good drivers. Focusing on children would cause them to lose “driving ability.” This doesn’t seem like good advice for Fathers. In fact, I think there’s data to show that the more engaged a Father is in his children’s lives, the better the children turn out.
Possible Reasons for the Confusion:
Maybe there’s some confusion about men’s roles and how the spiritual life is passed on because men actually are the driving force in passing on physical life by planting their sperm in women. This is unique to them. Women don’t do this.
For more on how men are seed planters, click the link below.
Men, generally speaking, have also been the driving force of military and government operations. Therefore, doesn’t it make sense that men ought to be the driving force behind Christ’s Church and biological families? Doesn’t this mean that men are the driving force of spiritual life, too?
Let’s answer this with a yes-and-statement. Yes, and Christ’s work on the cross not only purifies men’s historically self-centered driving force (feel free to insert women’s self-centered conniving force here too), but Christ also makes it possible for a man and woman to be intimately united in continuing what Christ began! What was once a shadow of things to come, performed by Jewish, Levite, male priests is now possible for all people: slave and free, Jew and Gentile, men and women. What was once play-acting in a man-made temple is made a spiritual reality through Christ in us. Christ’s work on the cross made it possible for Him, through all people, to reach-all-people.
Any may receive the Christ-life and pass it on to another. (See 2 Timothy 1:5-7 for a woman-to-man example).
Equipped to Serve in Unity
Over the past three-ish years, and as my husband and I shepherd our own children, I’ve transitioned from believing that the Bible teaches that “my husband ought to spearhead the family’s spiritual direction while I follow him” to a “Christ equips us to do this together” mentality. I’ve seen how this flexible, more fluid stance poises us for growth and listening to the Holy Spirit’s leading. I’ve seen false expectations replaced with collaborative wonder, and my disbelief in my capabilities replaced with amazement at how the Lord is using both my husband and me to grow our family.
I’m so relieved that I can bear the weight of guiding and leading this family with my husband. Two is way better than one. I’m also relieved that I don’t have to restrict my love to my husband to that of a removed advisor or a cheerleader on the sidelines. Through Christ, I’m equipped to intimately join my husband in making Christ-centered, God-glorifying, self-sacrificing choices for our family.
Final Words of Advice
So maybe this driving metaphor isn’t the best way to understand family life. But I’ve still learned a valuable lesson from all this, and I hope you have too.
Don’t get distracted by children arguing in the car, or else you might run a red light.
To read more like this, click a link below.
Very good!