Dear Younger Self
a Pep Talk for Moms
*Note: This is obviously a made-up conversation and should be viewed with the skepticism afforded fantasy. I don’t believe the younger Abby really understood her own issues quite this well. Nor does older Abby ever articulate things this clearly when not writing. Oh well. Just pretend.
40’s Abby: You look really exhausted.
30’s Abby: I am. It takes so much work to get the kids ready to go places, to get meals on the table, to clean up, to bathe them, and put them to bed. I had no idea being a mom was so exhausting.
40’s Abby: Yes, it is exhausting. I don’t think you can maintain this for much longer. You’re going to make yourself sick. Why don’t you ask your husband for more help when he’s home from work?
30’s Abby: Because there’s so much to do, and he doesn’t know how to do it.
40’s Abby: Why don’t you explain it to him then? Write out all the steps for putting the kids to bed. It’s not complicated: clean up toys, change diapers, put on pajamas, read a story, brush their teeth, turn on the noise machine, sing a song, pray, turn out the light.
30’s Abby: And make sure they have their blankies.
40’s Abby: Sure. Why don’t you go through it all with him and ask him for more help?
30’s Abby: I don’t know. It feels wrong. I hate being told what to do, so I assume he hates it too.
40’s Abby: You don’t have to assign him things, although you could. You could also let him choose what he wants to do.
30’s Abby: But then he’ll choose to do things that I’m better at doing. Or he won’t do the things the right way.
40’s Abby: Aha! Well, when you ask others for help, you’ve got to be ready to let go of how everything turns out. You’ve got to be willing to accept the kind of help you get. He might brush the kids’ teeth differently than you. He might read stories differently than you. But that’s not bad. You know he has no qualms about helping you or receiving instructions if there’s a specific way something needs to get done.
30’s Abby: Still. There’s just something funny about it.
40’s Abby: What’s funny about it?
30’s Abby: Shouldn’t he be the one doing this?
40’s Abby: What do you mean?
30’s Abby: Shouldn’t he be the one saying, “I see you need help in the evenings. Let’s write up a list of what needs to happen each night and decide who does what.” Shouldn’t he be the one doing that?
40’s Abby: Why should he do that? You’re the one who sees a need and wants to improve bedtimes? You can’t expect him to read your mind.
30’s Abby: But if I take the initiative, that’s like being the leader. And being a wife who leads a husband is the worst sin a Christian woman can be. That’s like the quintessential wickedness of Evangelical wives. Everyone looks down on that sort of woman.
40’s Abby: Oh right. I forgot about that social stigma.
30’s Abby: I mean, do you want me to act like a feminist? Do you want me to have a hen-pecked husband?
40’s Abby: Initiating a meeting with your husband and asking him for help, isn’t having a hen-pecked husband.
30’s Abby: But it’s being the leader. Paul says that wives are supposed to submit to their husbands in all things? Doesn’t this mean I shouldn’t lead bedtime?
40’s Abby: But aren’t you leading bedtime already?
30’s Abby: If leading is doing most of the work with a bad attitude, yes.
40’s Abby: Well, besides the bad attitude, you're leading the bedtime routine. You are discerning what needs to get done and you’re doing it.
30’s Abby: Are you saying I should stop doing this? Are you saying I’m just supposed to wait for him to lead?
40’s Abby: No. I’m saying it’s okay to take the lead at making bedtime a joint effort instead of just you doing most of it yourself. It’s okay to lead your husband in helping you more.
30’s Abby: But Paul said a woman isn’t to teach or exercise authority over a man. Do you want me to disobey the Bible?
40’s Abby: Don’t give me that. You taught your husband how to drive a stick shift.
30’s Abby: Yes. But I feel funny whenever I tell people that.
40’s Abby: That’s called false guilt. It’s feeling bad about something that isn’t really wrong.
30’s Abby: So are you saying I’m having false guilt about teaching my husband about the bedtime routines? Are you saying it’s okay for me to lead my husband about whatever I want?
40’s Abby: So long as you understand that leading is not lording over someone, but discerning God’s ways and doing it in a way that loves others, yes. Why wouldn’t you take the lead if you know more about something than him? This means sharing your knowledge and equipping him in the same way you have been equipped. You know more about the finances; teach and equip. Your husband has more social graces than you; learn and receive. You are better at critical thinking and analyzing; teach and equip. He is better at service than you; learn and receive.
30’s Abby: So was Paul just talking about making big decisions when he told wives to submit? Or was he just talking about being the spiritual leader?
40’s Abby: All the choices we make every day to serve others are big spiritual decisions. There are no small decisions. When we learn to make small everyday decisions, we become better equipped to make what you’re calling “big spiritual decisions.”
Look, leading like Christ is something both men and women are called to do. It’s not something only men do. Likewise, submitting isn’t just for women either. Both men and women may submit and lead one another.
30’s Abby: That’s not what Paul said.
40’s Abby: That’s because it would’ve been inappropriate, dangerous, and counter-productive at that time for wives, in most cases, to appear as if they were lords of their husbands. Likewise, in certain cases, wives were not equipped to be the one to pass on the apostle’s teachings to their husband’s.
But Paul isn’t mandating that all wives everywhere for all time must behave like first-century Christians. And he’s certainly not saying that all women must be under the authority of men. That’s not what Paul meant for the people of that time, and that’s not using good hermeneutics to understand those passages.
30’s Abby: Then what does Paul mean when he says wives submit because husbands are the head?
40’s Abby: I can tell you, but you might freak out.
30’s Abby: Tell me.
40’s Abby: Based on some pretty hard evidence, head doesn’t seem to mean authority or leader. It means the source of a family’s origin, like the family seed planter. You know, like the one who has the sperm. In the case of the Ephesians, Paul seems to be using it as a play on words to explain how the Ephesian women may receive God’s words like seeds planted in their lives. At that time the best way for women to receive correct teaching was from their husbands. That was how the seed of God’s word was planted in them.
30’s Abby: What!? No way!
40’s Abby: Yes, way. You’ll learn all about it in 2024.
30’s Abby: Are you telling me that the church has taught this wrong all these years?
40’s Abby: Well, some churches have. Yes.
30’s Abby: But… but… that’s… insane! How could so many godly men have gotten this wrong?
40’s Abby: Is that so unbelievable? I think if you study church history, you’ll find mainstream church leaders have been using the Bible incorrectly to prove who ought to be the boss for centuries. In fact, the church often doesn’t make major course corrections until social changes occur or some spiritual awakenings or reforms.
30’s Abby: But they’re doing their best. They’re seeking God. How could God let them continue in such error for so long! Wouldn’t God tell them if they got it wrong?
40’s Abby: He does in His own timing. It seems like God uses past generations to prepare and spur on the next generation to change and grow. Sometimes big changes seem to come all at once in a matter of years; sometimes they take hundreds of years. But God is the one who makes way for change in those who are willing to receive. There have always been religious folk who are stubborn about big changes like this.
30’s Abby: I don’t know. It seems fishy to say everyone has got it wrong. I mean if Paul didn’t mean men to be the leaders, then, do we just throw out all that submission stuff? Do we say it was just a cultural thing?
40’s Abby: No, there’s wisdom there regarding how to be a missionary and how to correct people in the church, but Paul was teaching first-century Christians how to survive in a time when if the Christians didn’t submit to the Roman social pyramid, the Romans might very well destroy the new Christians. It was vitally important for the survival of the early church that wives submit to husbands, and slaves submit to masters. If the Roman authorities learned that some new religious cult was teaching that husbands and wives, slaves and masters were equals, they would put the kibosh on that new religion right away. Wives submitting to their husbands was a way to blend into the culture and to present Christianity to the culture in a good light. It was also the best way, at that time, for women to learn correct teaching. Did you know that in each of the cases where Paul asks wives to submit, he includes one of these reasons as support?
30’s Abby: He does? I wasn’t taught that.
40’s Abby: Nope. These verses are usually taken out of context.
30’s Abby: Well, what about that verse about women not teaching or having authority over men?
40’s Abby: Again, some clues in 1 & 2 Timothy indicate what Paul is most likely talking about. The clues indicate Paul is trying to fix some false doctrine circulating in Ephesus. The prohibition in 1 Timothy 2:12 most likely addresses wives who were forcefully exercising authority over their husbands about false doctrine. This fits with the singular words “man” and “woman,” which are the same words for “husband” and “wife.” And this is also consistent with the Adam and Eve reference and the mention of childbearing.
This verse doesn’t mean that husbands ought to be the ones with authority. Rather, it means more like, “A wife shouldn’t coerce her husband into her false teaching.” That word, “to exercise authority over,” means what a policeman might do to make someone behave. You should look it up. A closer look at the context gives the impression that the Ephesian women were involved in some sort of false teaching, maybe about how to survive childbirth. Paul seems to be instructing the Ephesian women how to get corrective doctrine from their husbands so that they won’t be deceived like Eve was. Eve didn’t receive God’s law about the fruit directly from God, so she was more susceptible to the serpent’s lies.
But don’t worry, you’ll read all about this later in a book Philip will get you. The bottom line is: your asking your husband for help and teaching him how to do it isn’t breaking Paul’s prohibition here to the Ephesian women. You’re not forcing your husband to help you, are you?
30’s Abby: No.
40’s Abby: You aren’t coercing him into doing it?
30’s Abby: No.
40’s Abby: Then teach him in a respectful, honoring way. Find ways to make your home run more smoothly. This is spiritually leading. And stop being so afraid of being perceived as the boss of him. That is not a sin. Rather, resenting your husband because he doesn’t read your mind is a sin. Treating him like he’s stupid because you haven’t told him how to care for the kids is a sin. Being more afraid of what people think than what God commands is a sin.
30’s Abby: What’s the name of this book I’m supposedly going to read?
40’s Abby: It hasn’t been published yet.
30’s Abby: What?! I think you’re making this up. I don’t believe you.
40’s Abby: Haha, you want to look at the Bible together then? I’ll show you.
30’s Abby: No. I don’t trust you.
40’s Abby: Oh that’s right. I don’t trust people. Well, don’t worry. God will start taking care of that in 2020.
30’s Abby: 2020? What will happen in 2020?
40’s Abby: You’re going to get baptized . . . in more ways than one.
30’s Abby: No!
40’s Abby: Oh yes.
30’s Abby: Why? Will I be afraid of losing my salvation or something?
40’s Abby: Haha, no. But your salvation will start working and the first thing it’ll ask you to do is to get clean.
In the meantime, you better forget I mentioned any of this. I don’t think you’re ready to receive it. In fact, let’s pretend I was never here. You better look up at this neuralyzer.
—FLASH—
Afterword: Okay, maybe I don’t wish I’d had this conversation with my younger self. I don’t think I would’ve handled this information very well. I think God reveals what He wills when He wills. And His timing is perfect. In case you’d like to read summaries of the book I read that convin how I view men and women’s authority, click the link below.