Dear Younger Self (Part 2)
a conversation I wish I could've had
*Note: This is a continuation of an imaginary conversation I wish I could’ve had with myself about three years ago when I was 38. To read the conversation before this one, click the link.
Slightly Older Abby: Hello again.
38 Abby: Again?
Slightly Older Abby: Oh, right. Never mind. I see you’re super stressed about your son’s school situation.
38 Abby: Yes. It makes me sick to my stomach. He doesn’t like going. I get reports from his teacher. She gives me strange vibes. There’s something funny about her. She taught her class about Karma. Her conversations with me are stream of consciousness. My son doesn’t seem to listen to her in class and I don’t blame him. He comes home telling me about the inappropriate things the other kids do in class. It doesn’t seem like this classroom is a good learning environment for him.
Slightly Older Abby: Why don’t you pull him out?
38 Abby: Pull him out? Of school? You mean homeschool? I can’t do that.
Slightly Older Abby: Why not? This school has never been a good fit for him.
38 Abby: But… but… but maybe that’s just him. Maybe I’m not understanding the teacher correctly. Maybe he just needs more consequences and motivators at home. Maybe…
Slightly Older Abby: Don’t you think you know enough to make a decision? What else do you need to know?
38 Abby: Well… uh…
Slightly Older Abby: Not only that but your mother-in-law has seen issues with this school, and she’s had a career as an educator. Don’t you trust her?
38 Abby: But I have to make this decision, not her. It’s my choice. Not hers. I’ll be the one footing the bill, so to speak.
Slightly Older Abby: Just you?
38 Abby: My whole family. My kids. My husband . . . That reminds me. If this was something I was supposed to do for the best of our family, wouldn’t my husband feel more strongly about it than he does?
Slightly Older Abby: Why would he feel strongly about it? He’s not experiencing what you’re experiencing in answering school e-mails, picking up your son from school, and fighting about homework. Why would you expect him to have the same emotions you have when he hasn’t gone through the same things? He’s empathetic. He listens. He understands. But he also trusts your judgment and experiences. He trusts you more than you trust yourself.
38 Abby: But doesn’t his opinion count too?
Slightly Older Abby: Sure. But what does he have to base his opinion on? All he knows is what you tell him and your own waffling emotions on the matter. Besides, you don’t want him to have an opinion about this.
38 Abby: Why wouldn’t I?
Slightly Older Abby: Because then you’ll feel pressured into doing what he wants. You’d make a decision based on what he thinks because you think his opinions are more weighty than your own. Then do you know what you’d do after he made your decision?
38 Abby: No.
Slightly Older Abby: When things got hard and your kids started complaining about how they hate homeschooling or hate public school—because you know they’re going to complain one way or another—, you’d blame him for making the decision.
38 Abby: Ugh!
Slightly Older Abby: Passing off the decision and responsibility to someone else is a classic way to take the easy way out. Why do you think so many people don’t want to be in charge?
38 Abby: They don’t want to get blamed when things go wrong.
Slightly Older Abby: And things always “go wrong” according to some people. They see every bump and hiccup and difficulty as evidence that someone made a bad decision. If your kids went to public school, they’d have days that they hated public school. If you homeschooled, they’ll have days when they hate homeschooling. They will blame you for their discomfort because that’s what children do.
38 Abby: But their bad attitudes aren’t why I’m having a hard time making a decision. I just don’t know what God wants me to do. If I knew what He wanted me to do, then I could do it and tell my kids, “This is what God led me to do and you can just deal with it!”
Slightly Older Abby: But I’m telling you what God wants you to do.
38 Abby: No, you’re not.
Slightly Older Abby: Yes I am! He wants you to make this decision. He’s giving it to you. It’s a gift. It’s an opportunity to grow. It’s how you grow into the fullness of Christ, by accepting the responsibilities the Lord gives you.
38 Abby: Wait a second. Who’s to say I’m supposed to be the one growing? Haven’t I just had two years of major growth since COVID? Isn’t it my husband’s turn to grow? Why shouldn’t he make this decision so he can grow? That would prompt him to seek the Lord for an answer. And then by submitting to whatever he decides, I would grow too by trusting that the Lord was working through my husband’s decision.
Slightly Older Abby: Don’t give me that! You don’t believe that! Is that really treating him like you’d like to be treated? Imagine, your husband giving you big choices to make at his job so that you could grow.
38 Abby: Bleah! You’re right. That would be dumb.
Slightly Older Abby: You’d think he was a fool! It’s his job. He needs to make his own decisions. Giving you the big decisions to make about stuff you really have no idea about is ungracious to you and foolish about his own responsibilities. This big decision about the children’s education is primarily your domain just like his job is primarily his domain.
38 Abby: But what about wanting him to be more involved? What about including him in parenting? Isn’t this a way to include him?
Slightly Older Abby: Abby, if you want to include someone, you start small, not big. You don’t give the boss’ decisions to the new employees. You start with simple assignments. And you allow them to handle the consequences of their assignments too. The goal is to one day equip the employees to be joint owners of the business.
38 Abby: Are you saying I’m supposed to be training my husband like he’s my employee? How patronizing is that?
Slightly Older Abby: It’s only patronizing if you act superior or are too proud to learn and take correction from him in return. But we’re getting off-topic. Stop avoiding the question. Don’t you think God is leading you to make this decision to homeschool? Don’t you think He wants to grow you through this?
38 Abby: Sure, He could grow me through this. But God could use anything to grow me. And people say God is leading them to do all sorts of stupid things!
Slightly Older Abby: I’m not interested in other stupid people. I’m interested in how God is leading you. The big trouble here is that you don’t trust the Spirit is leading in you. Not only that but you’re not willing to give up the prospect of having a child-free year as all three kids will be in school next year. But don’t worry. God knows what you need, and he’s going to use that year to teach you how to make authoritative decisions through the Holy Spirit’s leading.
38 Abby: Gosh. That sounds scary. Is someone going to die? Am I going to become the boss of something?
Slightly Older Abby: Just wait. In the meantime, it’s probably best you forget we had this conversation. So look up here at this light thing.
38 Abby: Hey, I know what that is!
—FLASH—
Afterword: As I look back at my life before COVID and a complete surrender to the Lord, I recall how stressful decisions were. I didn’t understand how God might be working through me and in me, so I trusted in my own knowledge and understanding.
Since 2020, the Lord has been teaching me how He empowers me to make choices through faith instead of my own knowledge. In the last 12 months, the Lord has clarified those passages of Paul that were roadblocks for my growth. Before this year, I wasn’t sure how women were to discern God’s ways if Paul told women to submit decision-making power to men. Turns out, this probably isn’t what Paul intended for our homes or churches.
Believing that God became flesh means we believe that God is right now in our decisions leading us through various ways. God seeks to grow men and women through their decisions and responsibilities. This is a blessing, not a curse. He teaches us how to listen to His leading and make decisions without fear. And He has already redeemed any misguided decisions along the way. This is part of the process of how He grows us. Phew! That is good news.
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Very thought-provoking. Thanks Abby!
This is so good! Thanks for being so transparent!