Conflict Styles
in various parenting situations
Recently, I learned about different ways people deal with conflict. And before this information becomes non-retrievable in my neocortex, I’d like to apply these conflict styles to various parenting situations. The conflict styles are: Win, Yield, Withdraw, Compromise, and Collaborate.
Win
This style achieves a goal at any cost. It makes others losers. Win is a good conflict style to use when something must get done, regardless of whether others are involved or agree. Here is an example of when both the parent and child might try to win.
Parent: Let’s complete your writing assignment. Child: I wanna do it on the couch. Parent: No, your brother is playing there. Let’s work at the kitchen table. Child: He can just move. Parent: No, let’s stay over here so we aren’t distracted by your brother playing. Child: I wanna be on the couch! Parent: No, I'm not going to the couch. Child plops onto the couch and spreads out. Parent: Come over here. We're not going on the couch. I'm not going over there. Child begins antagonizing little brother so he can have the couch to himself. Parent: Stop bugging your brother. He was there first! If you don't come to the kitchen table now, I won't work with you on your reading assignment. Child: Fine! I didn't want to do my assignment anyway! Parent: Then you're not going to earn your media time today. Child: I'll just watch everyone else's media then. Parent: That's not an option. You will have to finish this assignment before you do anything else, whether you like it or not, buddy boy! And if you want to keep talking to me like that, we'll take away your outing tomorrow too! Child: You can take away everything. It doesn't matter. I'm never doing this assignment!
Commentary
Neither the parent nor the child was willing to budge. Both attempted to get what they wanted through various means—threats, physical force, coercion, foretelling doom, and power plays. Neither the parent nor the child was open to hearing the other’s point of view or to working together to find a solution.
Yield
This style gives in to the other to end a conflict. This style might be good to use when the matter isn’t important to you. However, yield often takes the blame and allows oneself to be the loser. They often neglect themselves and value how others feel over what’s important to them or to God. Here’s an example of that.
Child: I don't want to read this assignment. It's too long. Child throws down book. Parent: Does this feel too long to you? Yes, I see it's ten pages. That might seem like a lot to you. Child: It's impossible! I can't do it! Parent: Well, maybe I assigned you too much. Didn't I? Child: You did! Parent: How much do you want to read? Child: I don't want to read any of it! Parent: How about I read the first page and you read the second. Child: You can read it all, but I don't want to read it. Parent: Okay, sweetie. I can see you're overwhelmed. That's my fault for assigning you ten pages. Ten pages seems like too much for you. How about you go play and we try another time? Child happily runs off to play.
Commentary
While ten pages might be too much for a first grader, let’s pretend it isn’t too much for this child. In this case, the parent is blaming themselves and apologizing because the child doesn’t want to do the reading. Then the mom allows the child to go play, which means the mom is responsible for seeing that the child does the reading assignment at another time. The parents’ desire to help the child feel good has allowed the child to miss learning several important things: how to handle their own emotions, how to break down a big project into bite-sized pieces, how to have courage and endurance, etc.
Withdraw
This way of dealing with conflict is to abdicate one’s position and leave. It avoids the conflict physically and/or verbally. This might be a good option if one’s safety is in jeopardy. However, it often assumes an “I don’t care,” or “That’s your problem,” or “I’m not willing to work with you” attitude. Here’s an example of this.
Child: Mama, can I make cookies. Parent: Cookies? Uh, maybe. What kind? Child: Chocolate chip. Please! Please! We have all the ingredients. I can make them and we can have them for dessert after lunch. Parent: Uh, well, I have to make lunch soon and I need the kitchen, so it's best if we don't both work in the kitchen at the same time. Child: But I'll stay out of your way. I'll take all the ingredients and use the kitchen table. I won't get in your way. I promise! Parent: No, I don't think it'll work out today. Child: Why! Mommyyyyyy! Parent: I told you why. It's not going to work. Child: What about if I make lunch too? Then you won't have to be in the kitchen. Parent: I don't think so. Child: But you didn't tell me why! Parent: I did. Child: But I can make lunch. Mommy! You never let me do anything. Why can't I? I can make the lunch. I can make Quesadillas and then you won't have to work. You can go and sit and write and put your feet up. I'll even make you tea. Doesn't a cup of tea sound nice! Please, Mama. Please, please, please. Parent: Ugh. Fine. Whatever. Make Lunch. Child: Thank you! Thank you. Child gives parent an unwanted hug, and Mom withdraws from the kitchen, determined to give the child the silent treatment when the kitchen is left a mess.
Commentary:
Let’s assume that in this case, the child characteristically doesn’t clean up after herself, resulting in more work for Mom. By withdrawing, the mom gives the daughter full kitchen rights, which she is not old enough to handle. Mom gives up the cleanliness of the kitchen, her plans to use up leftovers, and the health of her daughter, who she knows will spoil her lunch, snacking on cookie dough. Mom decides those things aren’t important when they actually are.
Compromise
This style understands that we need to give to get. They approach conflict like a marketplace. I give up something, you give up something, and we both get part of what we want. For example, I get my kids to take an exercise walk with me, and then I give in to their requests to get donuts. My children sit through a long church service, and since they did this at my request, I give in to their request for a McDonald’s Happy Meal. I let them have a friend over, and then I expect them to do a few extra chores.
Commentary: The trouble with parenting like this in most cases is that it puts equal value on all our desires. Donuts become the money parents use to get their kids to do good things. Or worse, donuts become the way the parents get their kids to exercise. The goodness of exercise, or sitting in church, or doing chores is lost because the child sees this as a transaction of sorts.
Collaborate
The final method is Collaborate. Collaborative people work together to dig into a problem, to understand one another, and to value each other’s needs and desires as much as they value themselves. Collaboration approaches people with openness instead of pride or defensiveness. Here’s an example.
Parent: What do you think about having a picnic outside? Child: Oh! Yes! Let's have a picnic! I want to eat lunch in my hammock. Parent: Hmm... I think that might be messy. Child: Oh! But I really want to. I would like to swing while I eat. Parent: Yes, swinging in your hammock is fun. But I'm concerned you might drop your sandwich while you're swinging. It's difficult to hold onto your hammock and hold onto your sandwich at the same time. I made your sandwich, and I would not like you to drop it and spoil it. Child: I can hold on to my sandwich really tight. Parent: Is it really important to you to eat your sandwich while swinging in your hammock? What if you ate other parts of your lunch in the hammock instead of your sandwich? Child: What if I ate my apples in the hammock? Parent: I like that idea better. If you drop your apples, those are easy to wash off. Child: Yes. Parent: Let's do that then. Child: Yeah!
Commentary: Collaborative people aren’t merely looking out for number one. Rather, they want to find out what’s important to the other person and think through ways that that might be obtained. They’re able to do this because they don’t feel threatened or afraid of another person’s perspective. They have come to see other people’s differing opinions and ideas as a catalyst for growth instead of a threat to one’s own way of life.
Adapted by Judy TenElshof and Abigail Stevens from Christian PREP
Thanks for reading! To read more on this topic, click a link below.
Very good!