Why Church Was Not For Me
and how my perspective of church has changed
I used to rate Sunday church based on several things.
1) Did I feel drawn closer to God through a particular song in the worship service?
2) Did something the pastor said stir me to action or conviction or repentance or enlightenment?
3) Did anyone take particular notice of me by asking me questions or complimenting me or showing interest in what I had to say?
4) Did I shed light on any group discussions by pointing out something that everyone else had failed to see?
5) Did I supply someone with some help?
6) Did I steer all small talk towards deeper, more soul-altering conversations?
If I was able to answer two or more of these questions in the affirmative, I usually felt the day was a success. But if no one took any interest in me, and I made a fool of myself in a group discussion, if my mind wandered in the sermon and I found all the songs more annoying than worshipful, then I went home brooding and full of angst.
I now recognize several things.
1) By waiting for the music to match my mood, I was allowing my lazy and gluttonous spirit to prevent me from worshipping someone greater than myself.
2) By expecting a passionate, intellectual, and applicable sermon, I was missing the small and simple reminders of the gospel. That is: to remember where I’ve come from and to where I’m going.
3) By expecting others to take particular notice of me, I was relying on my fellow-church goers to make me feel loved or important.
4) By hoping to bring wisdom to group discussions, I was believing that my understanding was far superior to others and that their simple contributions weren't valuable.
5) By thinking it was my job to give someone advice, I thought that I had the power to change them.
6) And by trivializing small talk, I was merely hiding my disinterestedness in others behind a facade of spiritual snobbery.
There was no trying to fix my attitude towards church. When I tried to actually care about the other church goers, I always came away feeling depleted and resentful and wondering why others didn't notice my sacrifices. And when I kept my mouth shut in group discussions, I felt like a plugged volcano listening to the seemingly foolish and off-topic things that others said. And while I was able to keep myself from criticizing the service by working on my to-do list or reading the bible quietly to myself, that didn't seem like the right thing to do.
Like I said, there was no fixing my attitude. But then again, no one gets fixed through effort. We can only be fixed when we've completely depleted our own moral efforts, when all our tricks have failed and disguises worn off. It is only when we come to the very end of our own attempts that we say, "I cannot do it. You must." Only then does the Lord do the heavy lifting in turning us into selfless beings.
That’s the trick to benefiting and enjoying church, isn’t it? Becoming selfless. A selfless person sees church as a place to listen. They see it as a privilege, a powerful force, a place to remember, an opportunity to know and learn from other's faith. But a self-centered person hates church because church spotlights their selfishness in a most uncomfortable manner.
If that spotlight causes a person to cast themselves at Jesus' feet, hallelujah! But if that spotlight drives a person away from the cure, it’s a tragedy. They were so close to asking for help. They were so close to Jesus and an opportunity to transform. They were so close to letting the old life go and finding something far greater on the other side.
Alone, we are incapable of doing church selflessly. It only comes when we invite the Lord to do it within us.
The steps go like this:
1) Try as hard as you can to follow what you think is right.
2) Find that it’s impossible, and give up.
3) Believe that Christ can do it in you. Ask him to.
4) Watch as he generates this new love in you from a new heart.
5) Begin to understand why church is for you.
"If you are a good worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it—you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked—well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift." (Romans 4:4-5 MSG)