What to Do When You Discover You Didn't Marry Superman

an exert from Pep Talks for Moms by Abigail Stevens

Photo by Esteban López on Unsplash

Step  1

Don’t panic. You’re merely adjusting to how you relate to your new surroundings, much like having to adjust to walking on the moon. Turns out you were living in a dreamland, and this is merely the shock of reality hitting you. You didn’t marry Superman. Given time, you will be able to navigate this terrain. For now, say this ten times to yourself, “No man is Superman but Jesus.” 

Step 2  

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking your husband is exceptionally pathetic or grossly sinful. If all of men’s flaws were put on display, you would see quite clearly how your husband’s are rather common. As the wife to one man, you have a window into one man’s heart. You aren’t privy to everyone else’s sin, just his. Do not fret. No blemish, quirk, or sin is too trivial or too great for God’s notice and care. God cares that you are irritated, hurt, or frightened.  

Step 3 

Do not abuse the privilege of insight into your husband’s heart by putting his flaws on display for your girlfriends. You would be mortified if your husband put your physical blemishes on display for his friends. If complaints are always on your mind, chances are they will inadvertently leak out into your speech. The trick to keeping complaints out of your speech is to keep them out of your mind. And the trick to keeping them out of your mind is to set your mind on other things. Try starting a daily list of all the ways your husband is functioning properly. When you find yourself brooding about what your husband did wrong, ask God to stop your thoughts and then deliberately choose to list what your husband did right that day. Examples: woke up on time, showered, dressed himself, went to work, etc.  

Step 4  

By all means, find better systems for living with each other. If a coworker at your job kept calling you Toots and this drove you bananas, you’d find a way to politely ask him to stop. Or if your coworker’s poor filing system was costing your company money, you’d help him organize it. Don’t ignore the problems. Find a solution. Learn to work the company more efficiently and with the utmost respect and courtesy. Truth be told, the company would fall apart without you. And you are there to not just make it function better but grow.  

Step 5 

Don’t be tempted to return to your dreamland with statements like, “Is it too much to ask?” and “All I want is…” Chances are, even if he learned to perform that task correctly, you would then focus on his next imperfection. The reality is you are discontented with anything except perfection from him while you extend grace and patience to yourself. Do not be shocked that you love yourself more than him. We’re all born selfish. Yes, this news can be alarming to those of us who thought we were better. Admit to yourself and to God this fact, and then remember that God doesn’t love you based on your merit but the merit earned through Jesus’s perfect life and death.   

Step 6

Say the following ten times to yourself and to anyone who asks how your marriage is, “It is a God-meant work in process.” The weaknesses in him and the weaknesses in you were meant to unearth your need for Christ daily. Congratulations! Your marriage is working. 

Step 7  

Let the Lord, not you, work on your husband. He is not your child or project. God will take care of his sanctification. When you’re tempted to correct or teach him, tell the Lord about it. God’s influence on him is much more effective and powerful than your own meddling.

Step  8

Regain respect for your husband like you used to have before learning he wasn’t Superman. This is nearly impossible to do while simultaneously contemplating his deficiencies. Review step 3 to recenter your thoughts, then ask the Lord to help you regain respect. There are several ways to help this process. One is to observe him doing something he does well. Two is to ask his mother to remind you of his strengths. Three is to list what he does well for an extended period of time.  

Step 9  

Find someone to keep you accountable regarding your words and thoughts about your husband. Someone who is going to encourage you to lean upon the Lord and not someone who is going to encourage you to complain more. Meet and pray with them regularly.  

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Exert taken from Pep Talks for Moms: How the Stuff of Motherhood Can Be Transformative by Abigail J. Stevens. Purchase at Barnes and Noble or Amazon.

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