Turkish Delight & Heart Hurt
what some people can't stop eating
*Warning: I use some stereotypes and generalizations in this blog. If these don’t apply to you, cool. I’m not talking about you.
Why couldn’t Edmund believe that the White Witch was evil? Why didn’t he believe Lucy’s explanation of the White Witch as told to her by the fawn, Mr. Tumnus? Why couldn’t he believe the witch made it forever winter and never Christmas?
Because Edmund’s heart was hurt by his siblings. His big brother and sister had made him feel small and inadequate. And the White Witch promised a kind of healing for him. Edmund believed that the White Witch would make him a prince and that he would be allowed to eat Turkish Delight to his heart’s content. He’d already eaten the candy from her once, and once a person eats the witch’s candy, it’s nearly impossible to stop. It becomes an addiction.
Anything, save desperate faith in Christ, can become an addiction that we use to soothe our aching hearts. I think we see this in the home with moms who have eaten the Turkish delight found through their children’s accomplishments, loyalty, good behavior, or affection towards her. And I think we see this with men in the workplace—or church if that is men’s primary workplace—when they feed upon achievements, loyal employees, the value of their position, or inflow of praise. If the man stays home with the children and the woman works, the means of temptation may certainly switch.
Turkish Delight’s temptation sounds something like this: this soothes my ache; I must have more of this; this cannot be bad; I’m only doing my job; I don’t see anything bad with this; other people don’t understand.
For the mom, it is her husband who doesn’t understand. He doesn’t “get” the kids. He doesn’t understand how much work they are. He assumes the worst of them. He might see how his wife is consumed with the kids and say something, but she snaps back. He might see how the kids manipulate and maneuver to get what they want from Mom, but she is sure they are doing no such thing. The healing of her own heart is dependent on their being good. They must not be failures. They must not be wicked. They must continue to give to soothe her heartache. So she doesn’t believe her husband’s opinion about the children, and she may even push him out of the parenting role.
For the husband, it is his wife who doesn’t understand. She doesn’t “get” how important his work is. She assumes his work is taking over his life. She sees how consumed he is at holding onto this job, achieving the next goal, doing it perfectly, and acquiring feedback from employees. He is sure he must keep going. In fact, he is sure that the healing of his heart is dependent upon keeping this job coursing through his veins. It can’t be bad. Isn’t this what it means to be a man? So he doesn’t believe what his wife says and may even push her out of his work life.
Turkish Delight is addictive. But Turkish Delight isn’t evil.
Solutions to the Sickness
Obviously, the solution for men and women isn’t to quit jobs and put the kids up for adoption. Rather, the cure is to satisfy our pangs of hunger in Christ instead of in occupations or through relationships. Christ alone satisfies our desires to be needed, valued, loved, accomplished, powerful, and secure. But if we start snacking on the White Witch’s Turkish Delight, here are some tell-tale signs to know it’s time to surrender to Jesus again.
When we women find ourselves excluding our husbands from home life, deterring our husbands from parenting with us, being closed to their input, undermining their authority, complaining about how hard our work is and then scoffing at our husband’s attempts to help us, it might be because we’ve been eating Turkish Delight.
Likewise, when husbands find themselves excluding their wives from their work life, being closed to their input, refusing to let their wives generate an equal income, taking a back seat themselves in household operations but still insisting they’re the head of the house, it might be because they’ve been eating Turkish Delight.
Unity’s Barometer
Maybe our unity with our spouse serves as a barometer to our Turkish Delight consumption. The more we push away from each other or, in the case of some, desperately cling to each other, the more likely it is that we’ve been consuming Turkish Delight. Certainly, this isn’t always the case. Like anything, there are exceptions.
However, let me clarify three things. One: by unity, I don’t mean we always agree about everything. Often, it’s how we disagree that is more important than the disagreement itself. Does one person always give in to the other? Does one person insist they must be heard? Do they both listen and express freely? Do they both insist they’re right? Are they both willing to give up their wills for the sake of the other?
Two: by unity I also don’t mean we do everything together. That’s just not feasible in many cases. However, how we do things separately often makes being together either a dividing or unifying experience. For example, before COVID, I used to rely on my own brain power to parent. Thus, when Phil came home, I was completely overspent and exhausted, brain-numb and desperate to be alone. This made for some rather unenthusiastic times in the evenings with Phil. Mostly, I just didn’t want to be with anyone.
Three: lastly, by unity I don’t mean we give one another equal opportunity at every job. It would be foolish to ask the wife to face a home intruder when her husband is stronger and better equipped. It would also be foolish for the wife to insist she can handle the sneaky salesman who waits until the husband is gone before knocking on the door. Beware the salesman who waits for the husband to leave before speaking to the wife! Beware the wife that eagerly awaits her husband’s departure so that she can speak to the salesman! They are after Turkish Delight.
Likewise, it would be foolish for the woman to ask her husband to talk boys, periods, and girlfriend troubles with their teenage daughter. It would also be foolish for a man to insist he can handle the distressed woman at work who demands to speak to the powers that be. Beware the woman employee who demands to speak to the boss-man! Beware the boss-man who eagerly awaits an opportunity to help women with his authority! They are after Turkish Delight.
No. By unity, I mean that men and women value each other together and apart, defer to each other when appropriate, and encourage one another to seek God for value, power, and security. Last of all and perhaps most importantly, by unity I mean that a couple is so well acquainted with their own hankerings for Turkish Delight that they aren’t appalled when their spouse falls into binge eating every now and then. They recognize the symptoms. They still have the taste of Turkish Delight on their own tongues. And they know how to serve up Christ to one another as the Bread of Life. That, in truth, is the real key to unity: being so satisfied with Christ that we have enough to pass on.