Samantha and Pete Married (Part 2)

A thought experiment on authority in marriage

Photo by Jeremy Wong Weddings on Unsplash

This is the second part of a thought experiment involving siblings, authority, and marriage. If you haven't read the first part, click on the link above.

I am in the middle of thinking through why some don't view authority in marriage the same as two siblings renting an apartment and raising adopted children. Here are the three reasons I came up with in the last post for why people believe marriage is different. There are probably more reasons, but this is all I could come up with.

One, we expect our marriage to work in the same way as our parent's marriage or some marriage on TV or in a novel or movie.

Two, we believe romance changes all the rules about authority and mutual teamwork in marriage.

Three, we don’t really think men and women have equal authority on earth, either in or outside of marriage. Isn't that why woman used to promise to obey their husbands in old-fashioned wedding vows? So that the husband had the authority God intended? Isn't that why some people say churches must only have men pastors and elders?

I don’t intend to discuss the first reason here because, while it is the cause of many false expectations in marriage, I think its roots lie in reason number three. So let's start with reason two here: we believe romance changes all the rules about authority and mutual teamwork.

Certainly, romance changes things, but it doesn’t make people more or less capable, more or less responsible, more or less powerful . . . actually . . . scrap that, never mind. It does . . . for a little while. 

When a man falls in love with a woman, he often finds himself feeling more capable and valued than he ever felt before. She inspires him. Likewise, when a woman falls in love with a man, she may feel more confident, important, and valuable too. Both men and women will experience a little emotional high as chemicals go off in their brains. This is good. God made it that way. 

But after the romance wears off, where does that leave the couple? It leaves the man with the same sexual sins and the woman with the same fantasies she had before marriage. After the romance wears off, the man finds he still struggles with finding his identity in his accomplishments or relationships. The same is true of the woman. She too continues to struggle with finding her identity in her relationships and accomplishments. 

In fact, after the thrill of the honeymoon wears off, the couple will probably wonder, "If marriage isn't fulfilling my needs to conquer or feel confident or secure or loved, how can I get these things?" Quite often, the couple continues expecting the other to fulfill their desires.

If two siblings did this to each other, we would see how ridiculous it was. A brother doesn’t look to his sibling to meet his sexual needs—incestuous, homosexual relationships aside. But a husband looks at his wife and expects her to meet his sexual needs. Again, incestuous relationships aside, a woman doesn’t look at a brother and expect him to adore her with singular devotion. But a wife expects her husband to adore her with a singular devotion. Sex and adoration in a marriage are right and good, but they’re gifts we give to each other not rights to demand.

And here is where I think marriage is different than siblings—at least in our modern times. Husbands and wives don't only share responsibilities, they share everything. Two siblings splitting rent shows how they each have equal rights and mutual responsibility, but a husband and wife team sharing one another's bodies shows how what they give to one another is everything, and everything is a gift.

When one makes dinner, it is a gift. When one brings home a paycheck, it’s a gift. When one takes care of the children, plans a date, and initiates something new, it is a gift. They are both in this mutual giving and receiving relationship, but they are not alone. 

God is in the equation too because God is the source of any gift given with a pure heart. If any gift is given out of the flesh, it comes with expectations. But gifts given out of the abundance of being in a relationship with the Lord are given freely with no strings attached.

This is not a unique aspect of marriage though. I believe this is the way all relationships ought to work: siblings, parents, friends, and enemies. We give as a gift. But the marriage relationship is unique in that it is the only relationship in which we give everything. That is, we give authority over our own bodies too. As Paul says:

1 Corinthians 7:4 "For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." (ESV)

Perhaps this is a microcosm of how all aspects of marriage are supposed to work. They give authority of their bodies to one another and their homes and career paths and child-rearing methods. They both have the power to give and receive freely. They are learning how to become one and to be of the same mind and spirit.

Like Philippians 2:2-8 says:

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." (ESV)

I come now to the last of the reasons why people don’t see marriage as an equal partnership, and that is the belief that men and women don’t have equal authority on earth, that God meant them to operate women always under men. Marriage is not an equal partnership when it comes to authority, but a hierarchical relationship or one in which one person is supposed to be more supportive or have more authority or be more informed than the other. Is this how God designed marriage to be? Let’s see.

Time for another analogy, another post, and some look at scripture. Click the link below to continue reading part 3.