Re-learning to Parent

file all complaints with your own therapist

Photo by Roger Starnes Sr on Unsplash

I’m in the process of altering my parenting strategies, and let me tell you, it is messy. I need a T-shirt that says, “Old-pattern demolition zone: please excuse the debris,” or “Relearning to parent. File all complaints with your own therapist.”

Previously (on last year’s episode), if my kids disobeyed, I’d get anxious. Oh no! I’m supposed to do something! I’m the mom. This is my job. What am I supposed to do? Usually, I’d get domineering, manipulative, or angry to make my kids obey. That’s what parental authority is for, right? To make my children obey?

I believed things like:

• My kids need to learn how to do this! (And if I don’t teach it to them, I’m a failure, or worse, they’ll have to learn it the hard way.)

• My kids need to know how to obey without knowing why. (I shouldn’t have to explain everything to them.)

• If I don’t give them a consequence, they’ll believe what they did was okay. (And I’ll have failed at teaching them.)

• My kids need to be properly motivated. So if I dangle a large enough carrot in front of them, or if I put the fear of the consequences behind them, they’ll do what’s right.

Now, I’m pausing and asking the Lord’s help to discipline the number one person that I’m in charge of, and that is myself. I’m learning to trust that God has everything under His authority, even as I learn what parental authority is actually for. I’m finding the Lord in the imperfect and half-baked and incomplete. I’m learning to have grace and love instead of embarrassment and shame. And I’m learning that discipline involves much more than obedience, behavior, and consequences. It’s a full package.

---

And now a word from our sponsors:

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

This program has been brought to you by: Homeschooling, Puberty, and Reaping What You’ve Sown.

Changes in programming have been made possible by: A New Understanding of Scripture and New Views of Leadership.

---

A New Understanding of Scripture

When it came to children, I used to think that the “Do-Unto-Others” Rule applied differently in the parent-child relationship because of the authoritative place parents have over their children, established by the Bible’s command, “Children obey your parents.” From this, I had formed a belief that parents love their children primarily through the lens of “Child, I need to make you obey because God gave me this authority over you.” All other aspects of love came secondary to this.

I now see how the Bible’s instructions to parents don’t mean we get to ignore the other aspects of love or to idolize obedience to the detriment of the other disciplines.

Most, if not all, of the Bible’s principles could apply to parenting in one way or another even if they don’t mention the words “parent” or “child.” We are indeed called to love our children as we love ourselves (with an understanding of our children’s developmental stage and their unique personality). This doesn’t threaten or discredit our God-given parental authority. Rather, it confirms it.

Here are a few sample verses that aren’t usually applied to parents, but could be.

• “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” (Galatians 6:1 NIV) It’s a verse about correcting our children.

• “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish.” (Matthew 18:12-14 NIV) It’s about pursuing the misbehaving child.

• “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.” (1 Peter 4:8-11 NIV) It’s about using our gifts for our families.

• “Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.” (1 Peter 5:2-4 NIV)

• “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’

  Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” (Matthew 18:21-22 NIV)

Having kids doesn’t give us permission to love lopsidedly by putting obedience above all the other virtues. Likewise, being married doesn’t give us permission to love our spouse lopsidedly by putting respect or loving-kindness above all the other virtues. We can love according to what all scripture says, not just the parts that specifically mention one kind of relationship.

To love another of any given age, gender, nationality, or intelligence is to discern how God would have us interact with that person at any given time under any given circumstance. Most recently, I’ve been praying about how I might best interact with my teens when they’re yelling at each other. Shall I start playing loud music? Shall I get on my knees and pray in the middle of the dispute? Shall I spray them with the hose? Ooo, I like that idea.

---

A New View of Leadership

Over the last few years, I have also gained a better understanding of what it means to have authority and lead like Christ. Here are a few ways in which I see this new understanding trickling down into parenthood.

1. I’m learning that leading like Christ doesn’t mean I must have control over my kids. To believe that I must have control over my kids is to miss the whole point of why Christ came. He came, not to have control over us, but to set an example, open our eyes to the truth, offer His body for us, and equip us to follow Him through using the same authority given to Him by His Father.

2. I’m learning that to lead like Christ doesn’t mean I have to make all my children’s decisions or that I have bear all the responsibility for their choices. Rather, I am here to teach them wisdom in making their own decisions and handling the consequences. One day, I pray the Holy Spirit equips them to make their own decisions for the benefit of Christ’s body.

3. I am learning that having authority and leading isn’t an exclusive rank or title. It’s not a I-have-this-calling-but-God-will-never-call-you-to-this sort of position. Rather, I pray that one day my children might be used by God in a unique way too. I wonder what that might be.

4. Finally, I’m learning that my children’s journey to following Christ or running away from Him can aid in tearing down my own idols. I think God meant community to work like this. Children, whether they mean to or not, provide an opportunity for parents’ to give up their idols.

---

Special Thanks

I want to thank my own parents for the love and discipline you provided for us kids all those years. My respect for you guys grows every day. How did you survive having three teens in the house at once? How did you take motor home vacations with us all? How did you not go crazy with all our bickering?

I want to thank my aunt, Terri, for taking me out to dinner and providing a safe place away from the house to be myself.

And I’d like to thank my grandparents, although two of the four are no longer with us, for helping support my parents in the best way they knew how.

---

To read more like this, click a link below.