God of the Dark
a poem about depression
God in the dark With me in this space Void of taste or care Having lost hold on this place. God in the dark somehow here Ruling here But not lifting My spirit unto light. God of the sickness Holding health But not giving, Full of power But not willing. God of the Dark. Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? I have made my bed in the depths And settled on the far side of the sea, Is even here your hand upon me? Shall you here hold me fast? Then you must be a God of the Dark As well as the light. And God of the emptiness As well as the full, And the numbness As well as the feelings, Of the disease As well as the health And the unsound As well as the sane. Not passive But Lord here Just as much as bright day For darkness and light are alike to you. Then all that I lose-- My plans, my pleasures, my sanity-- I lose not into nothingness But into your hands For your right hand holds me fast And my soul, in the dark, Which is you, Knows that full well.
This is a poem I wrote in October 2019 and I feel it needs some explanation. It is a reflection on the omnipotence and presence of God even in the darkest of times. Please understand that by darkness, I don't mean evil, but rather the consequences of evil, which causes us pain.
I wrote this poem after a few months of mental darkness brought on by chemical imbalances due to Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. It was through these dark times that I realized that God was equally present and equally in control as he was in my days of joy and health.
At first I thought I’d somehow lost the presence of God because of the darkness in me. Christians aren't supposed to feel this way. Right? The joy of the Lord is our strength. Right? I was deeply comforted by Psalm 139, which I'd hitherto thought referred to physical places. Now however, I think the psalmist might be talking about a mental state when he mentions making a bed in the depths and settling on the far side of the sea. The Lord is with him there as well. The mental state of darkness and light are alike to God. He is lord of both. He is in both places.
I don't think God has made a world in which he sits on his hands and just allows the consequences of evil things to happen as if he were saying, "Well, that's what I get for making creatures with freewill." I think God is equally in control, yes even responsible for the sorrows as he is the joys. I think he creates life and orchestrates death. Nothing is outside his lordship.