"Don't Leave it to the Women"
the ways we use this phrase
I think this phrase, “Don’t leave it to the women,” could be used in three possible ways.
If there’s something delightful that women have, such as chocolate cake or cruise tickets or sports cars, then a man might think, “That’s not fair! Why do the women get them all? We men would like some too.” Thus “Don’t-leave-it-to-the-women” could be used to mean, “Women need to share with men.”
If the thing the women are keeping to themselves is meant to be shared, then the root of this “Don’t-let-the-women-have-it-all” seems to be a sense of justice.
If the thing the women have isn’t to be shared, then the root of this seems to be jealousy or discontentment or fear.
Okay, I admit I’ve never actually heard men use this phrase in this way. Are men ever jealous of something women have that men couldn’t just take by force? Hmmm… maybe their children’s affections? I’ll have to think about this one.
“Don’t leave it to the women” could also be used for something men are characteristically better fit to accomplish than women, such as combat or heavy lifting. Thus, “Don’t leave it to the women” could be used to say, “This is our job, men!”
This might be used as an admonishment, rebuke, or encouragement, as in, “Come on guys! God equipped men to do this. Don’t leave it to the women to do what God gave you to do. That’s being lazy and cowardly. Step up and do this. It’s your duty!”
It might also be used to shame men into doing something that’s perceived as manly or man’s duty even if men are not better equipped or God has not uniquely called men to do it, such as fighting certain religious battles or burning witches or excommunicating Puritans from the Church of England, etc.
Thirdly, this phrase might mean, “Don’t let women do this task alone.” This admonishment encourages men and women to join forces in doing something together.
This might be used in the case of child-rearing: “Men, don’t leave the raising of the children to the women.” This doesn’t mean, “Men, relieve the women of this task and you do it yourself,” but rather, “Do it together. Be a team.”
I don’t think God meant child-rearing to be solely the woman’s task. Even though only women can give birth and nurse, I think God meant men and women to raise their children together in unity, sacrificing their time, strength, and desires for the growth of their children.
However, I think some women exclude their husbands from child-rearing for several reasons.
Women may believe that the woman’s curse in Genesis 3 means that women alone must take on all the pains of child-bearing and rearing.
Women may fall prey to thinking, “My husband doesn’t know things about children. He’ll mess them up. I know what’s best for my kids. So I’ll do it myself.” This seems to be rooted in a spirit of fear, pride, impatience, or lust for control.
Women may believe that having child-bearing equipment means that they’re better equipped to tend to children.
In cases where the wife is better with kids than their husbands, I think women have the responsibility of teaching their husbands as gently as possible.
If the husbands are unwilling to learn or have decided they don’t want anything to do with the babies, that is another matter.
Another reason why women may exclude their husbands from child-rearing is that they may believe that child-rearing is part of their identity. They may believe that if they allow their husbands to join in, they aren’t being a real woman. (I felt this myself when I first became a mom—lots of guilt about what I was supposed to do as a woman. Looking back, I think it was actually just pride and a confused understanding about what it means to be a women.)
NOTE: By the way, I’m not talking about cases where the husband and wife mutually decide that the wife will head-up child-related things. Certainly, that seems to happen in some marriages, but I get the feeling that that system creates some resentment in the wife that her husband isn’t helping quite as much as she’d like. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about when the husband is willing to help but the wife refuses his help. When women do this, they reject the unique person God provided for them, wives rob their husband of growing opportunities, and devalue their husbands. This is sad.
I think men and women grow best when we’re learning how to work together in all things. Doing things together doesn’t make us less manly or womanly; rather, I think it makes us more like Christ whose Spirit does all things with us too.
Lastly, “Don’t leave it to the women” could refer to spiritual leadership in the home and church. It’s something I believe God made both men and women to do best together in unity. I don’t know that it’s a commandment that they do it together, especially if either the husband or wife is unwilling, not a believer, or thinks the Bible says it’s not best for men and women to spiritually lead together. Certainly, they don’t have to, but I think they’re blessed when they do.
Scripture states that God equips both men and women with all spiritual gifts, this includes leadership and management. (1 Cor. 12:4-11; Rom. 12:3-8) Thus spiritual leadership isn’t like childbearing, which only women can do, or physical combat, which typically men are better equipped to do.
Historically and biblically, God has chosen both men and women to be in positions of spiritual leadership, thus, if men were to withdraw from that sphere or if women were to bully men out of leadership, that would be wrong—although bullying anyone out of spiritual leadership automatically means that person isn’t spiritually leading anymore.
Spiritual leadership, just like child-rearing, seems to be something both men and women are invited to do together in complete unity, not being quarrelsome with each other, but doing it in prayer, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, and correcting opponents with gentleness. (2 Timothy 2:24-25)
Conclusion: All that to say, if we’re willing to receive and give help from each other, then let’s do so with both our physical and spiritual children.