Dear Younger Self (Part 4)
a conversation about parenting
*Note: This is obviously a made-up conversation and should be viewed with the skepticism afforded fantasy. The circumstances, feelings, and struggles, however, are based on what I experienced during the first week of quarantining in March 2020 with an 8, 6, and 1 year old at home.
COVID Abby: Oh my goodness. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m going out of my mind stuck at home like this.
Nowadays Abby: Yeah, it’s pretty hairy, and it’s only been a week. What’s the hardest part so far?
COVID Abby: I can’t escape. It’s been raining every day. The one day it misted, I took a walk and a lady yelled at me for not having my baby covered up. Now we’re on week two of rain and I’m going bananas. There’s so much noise in this house! Our roomer is home from work with nothing to do. Phil has set up his office in the living room, and it’s taking up half the play space. And I can’t get a moment to think!
Nowadays Abby: I don’t think getting a moment to think will solve your problems. But let’s talk about what’s not working.
COVID Abby: Having Philip in the living room isn’t working. He’s right in the middle of my space, overseeing my parenting. It’s driving me insane.
Nowadays Abby: What’s so bad about that?
COVID Abby: Well, he sees the kids doing stuff and he corrects them. It throws me off balance.
Nowadays Abby: Oh yes, I remember feeling that way. Wow, so much has changed since then.
COVID Abby: What?
Nowadays Abby: Nevermind. So, what’s the big deal about him correcting his own children?
COVID Abby: It’s not that. Of course, he can correct his own children. It’s just that, I’ve been in charge of the kids these past eight years. And when he corrects the kids, it’s like saying I can’t handle it or I’m not doing it right . . . I’m not looking at his work computer and telling him what to do.
Nowadays Abby: But if you were to walk past his computer and see that he used yellow instead of green, you’d tell him. Wouldn’t you?
COVID Abby: Yes, but that’s because he’s color blind.
Nowadays Abby: Don’t you think you have blind spots too?
COVID Abby: What, does he think I’m child-blind? Does he think I can’t handle this by myself?
Nowadays Abby: Abby, do you even want to handle it by yourself? Do you want to continue parenting alone for the majority of the day? Don’t you remember how much you wanted him to stay home after Lee was firstborn? Well, guess what? Alacazaam! You aren’t alone in parenting anymore! He’s staying home now.
COVID Abby: Ha, until this COVID thing goes away.
Nowadays Abby: Nope.
COVID Abby: What?
Nowadays Abby: You heard me. He’s staying home now.
COVID Abby: For how long?
Nowadays Abby: Forever. Well, for the next five years at least.
COVID Abby: You’re joking right?
Nowadays Abby: Nope.
COVID Abby: ………………………………………….oh my goodness.
Nowadays Abby: Haha
COVID Abby: Something seriously has to be done. I can’t survive like this. Maybe we can put a curtain across the living room. We have that extra duvet we could hang from the ceiling. Yes. And some noise-canceling headphones. Then he won’t hear us.
Nowadays Abby: Do you mean to isolate him from the day-to-day parenting? Is that your solution to all this?
COVID Abby: It’s just having good boundaries. He does his work. I do my work. How can he focus on his work when he keeps trying to do my work?
Nowadays Abby: Abby, parenting isn’t your work. It’s both of yours. Your kids are for both of you to raise TOGETHER. Isn’t that why you married him? To do life TOGETHER! You know, like a team!
COVID Abby: We can’t be on the same team when he keeps criticizing me.
Nowadays Abby: He’s not criticizing you. He just corrected the kids. You simply took it as criticism because you’re sensitive and insecure about parenting. Plus, you seriously have no plan right now. School has been canceled. The kids’ ipads aren’t working. You’re not sure how to get groceries. Don’t you think you could use a little input?
COVID Abby: From other moms, yes.
Nowadays Abby: Why not from the one who is living with all the decisions you have to make? Why not get input from him? Don’t you think he sees what the other moms can’t?
COVID Abby: Waaaa. . . but he doesn’t get it.
Nowadays Abby: Get what?
COVID Abby: How hard this is.
Nowadays Abby: Do you want him to empathize with you or give you some practical solutions? Because you know he can do both. He’s one hell of a husband in that he can do both. You just have to ask him for what you need. You have to say out loud what you’re thinking.
COVID Abby: But how can I say what I’m thinking if I can’t get away from all this noise to hear myself think!?
Nowadays Abby: Oh yes, I forgot about that. You haven’t learned how to walk by faith yet. You’re still walking by thinking everything out. Don’t worry. You’ll learn how to bypass the brain soon enough.
COVID Abby: Bypass the brain? That sounds like the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. What am I going to do? Just fly by the seat of my pants? Follow my heart?
Nowadays Abby: No. It’s not like that. It’s learning how to walk by the Holy Spirit.
COVID Abby: I have no idea what that means.
Nowadays Abby: Right. You’ll learn. Then the Lord will teach you how to walk in step with Philip too. You guys will figure out new rhythms. You’ll practice backing each other up and enforcing one another’s words. It’s like learning a new dance and making each other better dancers. There’s so much still to learn, even now.
COVID Abby: Great. Let’s practice our dances in separate rooms. Is that too much to ask? Maybe we can move his desk into the back bedroom. That would eliminate these problems. Oh no! Then where would the baby nap?
Nowadays Abby: Abby, Phil is not here just to make money in another room. Do you know how hurtful it is to exclude him like this? It’s a rejection of the gift God gave you to grow and strengthen both you and the kids. God put him back in the home for a reason. This is a big deal! The Industrial Revolution took fathers out of their homes and separated them from the raising of their own kids. And now, God has put the father of your kids back into your home for good. This is a blessing. Not a curse! You just need to learn how to do parenting together. It is possible.
COVID Abby: No it’s not! He tells the kids to do things when I’ve told them to do something else!
Nowadays Abby: That’s just a matter of communicating. You’ll learn. And he’ll improve your systems. Just lead the kids together.
COVID Abby: Waaaaa…. too hard.
Nowadays Abby: You’ve taught gardening classes together. Haven’t you? You’ve led Missions trips together and taught a class on simplicity together. Right?
COVID Abby: Well . . . yes.
Nowadays Abby: You installed a playground at the church together. You planted a citrus grove and a little hidden garden together. You redid your house together and planted up the yards too. Didn’t you?
COVID Abby: Yes.
Nowadays Abby: And you ran the San Diego Marathon together. Didn’t you? That was even before you were married. If you did all that together, don’t you think you could parent together?
COVID Abby: No. We didn’t run the marathon together. I hurt my knee at mile six, and then we walked for ten miles until I felt guilty for slowing him down. Then… then I told him to go on without me.
Nowadays Abby: Oh yeah. I remember that. Wow. I’d forgotten about that. Gosh. I remember assuring him that it was okay, but it wasn’t okay. I didn’t want him to go. I watched him run off without me and then I fought back tears for a mile or so . . . Hmmm, I recall realizing that my goal to complete that marathon had changed. I didn’t just want to finish; I wanted to finish with Philip. Hmmm….
COVID Abby: What?
Nowadays Abby: Curious. I thought I was here to tell you a thing or two, but instead, you’ve reminded me of something I’d forgotten.
COVID Abby: What’s what?
Nowadays Abby: Don’t send him off. Do this together. It’s why you got married: to be united in all things.
COVID ABBY: Well, I hate to break it to you, but it isn’t helping me now? How are we supposed to be united if Phil and I can’t even go on a date together in this mad world?
Nowadays Abby: Oh, you’ll figure that out soon enough.
COVID Abby: When?
Nowadays Abby: Maybe after you’ve had a few more weeks of quarantining, gone totally out of your mind, realized your faith is doing diddley-squat, gotten baptized, and had a spiritual awakening.
COVID Abby: You’re making this up.
Nowadays Abby: Nope. Good luck! By the way, it’s probably time you looked up here at this light neuralyzer thing.
COVID Abby: Neural-what?
—FLASH—
Here’s a picture of two married kids teaching a succulent class together.
To read more conversations like this, click a link below.
What an interesting way to talk about what you’ve learned about parenting and marriage! Thanks!
I love these conversations with yourself!