Course Correction for a Skeptic
who has doubted women
If I want advice on making the best clam chowder, I ask a cook. If I want advice on confronting my children’s misbehavior, I ask a wise mom. And when I want some spiritual leadership, I ask . . . oh dear! I think I just discovered something disturbing.
Recently, I had two serious troubles come up, and when two wise women spoke into my life about them, I automatically disbelieved them. (Side note: this is nothing new. I usually disbelieve people. It’s the remnants of a coping mechanism that the Lord is still working out of my system.) Anyway, after doubting the wise women, I thought, “I’ll go ask some spiritual men leaders in my life instead.”
Holy smokes!
Cue the spotlight on my duplicity. Here I am writing about how I think God gave women an equal authority to speak truth into one another’s lives and to lead one another into the Lord’s presence when I hardly believe it myself. Oh dear! Looks like this isn’t going to be an overnight conversion.
Confession: When a woman speaks, I’ve skeptically thought, “What does she know? Prove yourself, lady!” But if a man says the same thing, I might think, “Well, maybe I’ll consider what he says as true,” and then I run his words through a series of tests to decide whether I’ll accept them or not. This doesn’t happen in all cases. When men have a forceful personality, I’m far more guarded than I am of any woman, unless the woman talks too much about her physical appearance. Maybe one day I’ll share about the complex Abby’s Distrust-O-Meter for you. But the bottom line is, in general, I’ve regarded men as more authoritative on various subjects than women.
Why is this so? I don’t entirely know. Maybe it’s because men are more of a mystery to me than women, so I figure they must know something that women don’t. Maybe it’s because I understand women’s deceitfulness more than men, so I naturally distrust women more. Maybe it’s because churches have modeled that women don’t have the same authority as men. Maybe it’s because Paul’s writings have been used to prove that if there’s a big spiritual decision to make, give it to the men.
I don’t know what has caused this distrust of women, but I do know that this is one of many gender-related confusions that I’ve discovered over the last year. I think these confusions were rooted in my uncertainty about what the Bible says about women and authority. I think I’ve fallen prey to a whole slew of de-habilitating lies because I didn’t know what to do with these scripture verses about women, men, and authority.
Praise God, these scripture verses confuse me no longer.
No Shame in Christ
I don’t mean to shame anyone who has enforced or believed in men-only leadership systems. After all, would I have taught any differently, if I’d been a man trying to protect my church family from the evils of our culture? Would I have known differently if the Lord had not landed me with this thoroughly researched, logically sound book that brought clarity and consistency to Paul’s passages about women? Would any of us have thought to do differently if men-only church leadership systems seemed to bring unity to the church and protect women? How could I or anyone else know the effects of such a system but by testing it, by seeing how it has affected the church’s growth and men's and women’s authority?
No. I don’t mean to shame anyone. But the evidence is out. We are seeing the results of that system and it seems to be robbing the church of authority, starting with the women.
If women across the nation have bought into the belief that men are to be women’s primary spiritual leaders, women may lose the ability to receive truth from other women and to speak truth into each other’s lives. If women across the nation stop believing that they have the spiritual authority to direct men, wives may fail to direct their husbands to God’s truths when they so desperately need it. How could women direct men to God’s truths, if the church teaches that women aren’t to be the directors or leaders of men? If women don’t believe they have this power, men will lose the power behind their primary spiritual ally!
By the way, when I say spiritually direct or lead, I mean the ability to discern from God what to do and to see it done. I don’t mean a force of nature that men seem more prone to have and that makes them better at law enforcement and warding off predators. Nor, by direct or lead, do I mean an interconnectedness of nature that seems to be more of a woman’s thing and makes women generally better at understanding and relating concepts, people, or scriptural applications (I think.)
Through studying this topic, I now believe that men and women can respect one another’s unique giftings by deferring and protecting each other while discerning and carrying out God’s will together. I believe this is God’s calling for both men and women, and I think God meant it as a blessing, not a curse.
Correction. I’m in the process of believing all this. Obviously, there’s still a long way to go.
First Fruits of a Course Correction
After seventeen years of marriage, a course correction has begun. I must admit that I’ve had to work through lots of anger and fear, just ask Phil. However, I’ve also begun to see real fruit from my study. In case you’re interested, here’s a list of what I’ve learned and how that is affecting my parenting and marriage.
Realizing that God’s full authority abides in me has given me new power to parent authoritatively. Before this study, I would frequently surrender parental authority whenever my husband was around as if he was the boss. I would often wait for his directions on how I was supposed to do things, and then I’d get angry when he didn’t command me—not that I would’ve obeyed him if he had. HA! Eventually, I’d just take charge, feeling guilty that I was leading what I knew needed to get done. Now, I have been freed up to parent while Phil is around and to hand authority over to him if need be.
Realizing that God’s full authority rests in me has given me new power to acknowledge my husband’s parental authority as equally valuable as my own even if he doesn’t spend most of the day with the children or know how they like to have their hair washed in the tub.
Realizing that God’s full authority rests in me has allowed me to give my husband coaching, direction, or instruction in handling the children when appropriate. (Again, huge learning curve here for me.) Before this study, I wondered if I was disobeying the Bible by interacting with my husband in any way that might not be considered “submitting” to him.
Believing that God’s full authority rests in me has caused me to value and appreciate my husband’s unique contributions to parenting. While expecting my husband to be my leader, I was unable to appreciate my husband’s actual strengths. His strengths didn’t include being bossy or taking charge, thus I was singularly focused on how he wasn’t measuring up. Now I better appreciate his actual gifts and strengths.
Believing that God allows husbands and wives to govern their families together has freed my husband and me of false guilt that we were somehow doing marriage and parenting wrong because we didn’t follow a typical husband-leads, wife-submits mold. In case you’re wondering, we didn’t follow a wife-leads, husband-follows mold either. We mostly just stared at each other wondering what on earth we were doing.
This study has created a unity between me and my husband against the children’s rebellion. This was not the case before. The children were able to divide and conquer us way too easily before. Not so anymore. We’re just in time for the teen years to begin. Bring it on!
Believing God’s full authority abides in me has shown me how I used to try to fill this need for God’s authority in unhealthy ways, mostly through using men.
Before this year, I thought that those who believed women had authority were all radical feminists with hen-packed, docile husbands. I didn’t understand how women having equal spiritual authority might actually unite, empower, and foster appreciation in marriages.
Realizing that God’s full authority rests in me has given me new authority to point my husband to the Lord. Before, I didn’t believe I was supposed to direct my husband into God’s will. He was just supposed to seek it on his own, I guess. Now, he and I are learning how to lead each other into God’s truths without expecting each other to fulfill one another’s God-shaped vacuum.
Realizing that God’s full authority rests in me has given me the ability to speak God’s truths into others’ lives in a way I never have before.
Realizing that God’s full authority rests in women is showing me how to receive truth from other women. I used to feel threatened by other people’s advice because I didn’t think I was able to decide if it was applicable or not. That was a man’s job. But now that I believe that God gives me the authority to test and discern His will for my life, other people’s advice is no longer a threat. It’s a blessing. I can take what’s said to me and ask, “Lord, what do you wish to tell me through this person’s advice?” (Note: this is still a huge work in process and closely linked to other copying mechanisms I’ve practiced.)
Realizing that God’s full authority rests in women is helping me value the unique way other women can speak into my life. Women are just better at communicating God’s truths to other women than men are. They have more interconnectivity between the heart, mind, and body. I suppose there are some exceptions, but I’m also learning how it’s just more appropriate to confide in women for help than men. When going to men, it’s too easy for us women to use men to satisfy our own needs.
I’m learning that I need to seek God first before seeking men's or women’s counsel. The goal is to hear God’s words. The Lord may speak directly to me or through someone else.
God has begun His good work in me, and He promises to complete it. I pray other women may come to find God’s full authority in them as well, equipping them to do all God asks, especially in appreciating and pointing their brothers to the Lord.
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Very good!