Collaborative Marriages in Ancient Times
and responding to reality
Introduction & Recap
This is the fourth post examining what collaborative love might look like. If you missed the other posts, click a link below.
In the previous posts, I proposed that spouses in a collaborative marriage show up to seek the other’s heart and discover Christ in and through each other. This doesn’t necessarily mean the couple does everything together, but that they work towards having a soft heart for each other in all things. Having a soft heart means perceiving what’s going on in ourselves and the other when tensions rise and fears surface. This grows us together in deeper intimacy through Christ.
Again, being in a collaborative marriage may not be our reality for any number of reasons (See Five Pictures of Marriage above). Some couples decide to live more like single people for the sake of the gospel, although I seriously question the virtue of this, especially when there are children (spiritual or physical) involved. See the link for more on that.
The Question and a Short Answer
At the end of the last post, I asked: What about the Apostle Paul’s instructions to wives? Don’t they imply that wives ought to give up a collaborative relationship with their husbands and instead yield to a hierarchical male-leadership system?
My short answer to this is this:
When a follower of Christ marries, they commit to growing in intimacy with one person by responding to them and with them by embodying Christ’s love. Intimacy between men and women has looked different throughout the ages. There’s no one-size-fits-all in this arrangement. The principles behind Paul’s instructions still stand, but we would do well not to legalistically adhere to Paul’s advice to women without understanding the circumstances Paul was addressing.
The Long Answer
Throughout the Old Testament, we see how God interacted with people by responding to their stated desires. He answers their concerns about various things.
When Cain fears his future as a fugitive, God hears and responds by marking Cain for protection. Genesis 4:10-16
When Leah is unloved by Jacob, God shows her love by giving her children, one of whom will be the Messiah. Genesis 29
When Moses feels incapable of appearing before Pharaoh and speaking, God gives Moses Aaron to speak for him. Exodus 3
When Joshua needs more daylight to defeat the Amorite Kings, God responds and moves the Heavens. Joshua 10
These aren’t stories about how to get what we want from God, but how God responds to our hearts’ desires. God sees people and responds. God even gave people things they asked for when He knew it’d ruin them. He understands that sometimes people must say “My wants!” before they can say “What do you want, Lord?”
God gives his people quail in the wilderness, even though many of them will get sick and die from them. Exodus 16 & Numbers 11
God delivers the Israelites from their oppressors through various Judges even though He knows the people will turn from him again. Book of Judges
God gives the Israelites a king even though He knows that kings aren’t the answer to the Israelite’s problem either. 1 Samuel 8
God extends Hezekiah’s life even though Hezekiah doesn’t use his last years wisely.
The Old Testament laws concerning women also addressed real cultural concerns at that time. These laws are the answers to questions we no longer ask, like: how do I preserve my family line if my husband dies; what do we do if a woman marries and then is found to be not a virgin; and if a slave man goes free, does his wife go free too?
These are simply questions we no longer ask nowadays.
Jesus Responds to Women’s Desires
Jesus also responded to various women in various circumstances throughout the gospels. What He said to women is a response to what women were actually struggling with:
“Woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come.” John 2:4 NIV
“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38 NIV
Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.” John 4:17b-18 NIV
“Leave her alone,” said Jesus. “Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me.” Mark 14:6 NIV
Jesus wasn’t dictating what all women should do at wedding parties or when angry at our sisters. Rather, Jesus was demonstrating God’s love that sees and understands by responding to these women where they were at. He saw what they cared about, and He addressed it.
And Now To Paul
Likewise, the apostle Paul’s instructions were responses to real people with real questions about life in that culture. Paul’s instructions for women were answers to several of the early church’s biggest concerns, which greatly differ from ours nowadays. These concerns were things like:
How do women learn what Jesus actually taught if they can’t read Paul’s letters and aren’t used to sitting quietly in Torah school?
What do we do with women who prefer to rely on pagan child-birthing rituals?
How do women survive childbirth?
What do we do with women who are spreading false teaching to other women through the grapevine?
How do we exist in a culture where slaves and women are treated as lesser humans?
Should we just stop having children because we’re under so much persecution?
Who gets to decide what women wear in church? (Actually, this is probably still debated in some churches.)
Paul’s instructions were responses to actual questions and concerns at that time. But unlike Jesus’ interactions with women, we don’t get to hear the questions that Paul was answering. We can only make educated guesses based on the context of the letters, Paul’s life, and first-century Greco-Roman times.
First-Century Women & Society
First-century marriages looked quite different than marriages nowadays. Women were generally uneducated and stayed at home. Women who went around without a head-covering were considered available &/or unprotected. It wasn’t uncommon or even a crime for husbands to beat their wives. Women learned things from their relatives and the grapevine, which was largely influenced by superstition, Roman beliefs, and Greek philosophy.
Not only this, but Roman society was built on a hierarchy with slaves and women at the very bottom. Add to this the fact that the Roman Empire closely monitored its provinces to ensure that no religion, cult, or people threatened its social structure or belief system. Perhaps now you might see what Paul was getting at in his letters to the early churches.
What we read as a subjugation and limitation of women was most likely received by these early churches as an opportunity for women to receive an education, find protection in the church, present themselves as upright citizens in their culture’s eyes, and avoid being seen as a threat to the Roman Empire.
If you’d like to read more regarding the context of Paul’s letters, click a link below.
Conclusion
Paul’s letters aren’t for women to legalistically follow the answers to questions we’re not asking. Nor are we called to replicate first-century male hierarchy within our homes or churches. Rather, Paul was instructing first-century Christians how to love in their time and culture by responding to their actual values, cares, and concerns. We can do the same in our time and culture with the people God has given us to love. This means that if our spouse is open to a collaborative relationship with us, I don’t think the Bible forbids it.
That brings us to the question: what does your husband or wife actually value? What do they treasure or desire? How is the Lord leading them to grow? That is for each couple to discover over a lifetime of Holy Spirit-led collaboration as we pray for the eyes of our hearts to be opened to see ourselves, each other, and Christ in our unions.
Thanks for reading this collaboration series. To read more on this topic, click a link below.
Very good!