Abby's Quasi-Psych
about fight, flight, fawn, and freeze
Welcome to Abby’s Quasi-Psychology, where Abby looks at trends and thinks about things. This program was brought to you by A.I. summaries off Google and Quiet Time, the brief time after lunch when the children are not allowed to ask me questions.
Today’s hot topic: Fight, Flight, Fawn, or Freeze; which gender tends to do what, and do these tendencies equip us to be good leaders?
A.I. Summary
And now some A.I. summaries off Google: “While exact percentages vary depending on the study, research generally suggests that women are more likely to exhibit a ‘tend and befriend’ response (often categorized as ‘fawn’) to stress, while men are more likely to show a ‘fight or flight’ response, meaning they might be more likely to physically confront a threat or flee from it; however, both genders can experience any of these responses depending on the situation.”
So very generally speaking, men are more likely to fight or run away, while women are more likely to fawn or befriend. A.I. doesn’t tell me about freeze. Blast them! That’s my favorite!
A reminder about stats: the above A.I. summary could use stats anywhere between 51% and 99% to make these claims. The differences are enough to generalize, but they may not be as great as we believe. Be somewhat skeptical. You know, like me!
A Somewhat Related Abby Hypothesis: I bet these differences in how men and women react to stress and fear also correlate with how men's and women’s brains are wired to lust. When a man is fearful or under stress, he may fantasize about fighting or, in the case of lust, dominating a woman. When a woman is fearful or under stress, she may fantasize about befriending or winning over a man, maybe even being used by a man. Hmmm… very interesting. I wonder if fear and stress are at the root of lust then. A topic for another time. Anyway. Moving on.
The Next Questions:
How do the fight, flight, and befriend tendencies equip us to lead? Do they? Does a leader with the fight/flight instinct know when fighting or running away is best? Does a leader with befriending instincts know when befriending is best? By the way, when I say lead, I mean deciding what is best for a group and making that happen. Does having certain instincts make people better at discerning and doing what is best for a group?
People seem to default to their instincts when stressed, but this doesn’t mean they know and do what is best at the right time. Knowing and doing what is best isn’t an instinct, but something the Lord teaches and empowers us to do.
I, therefore, reject my question to ask a better one.
Abby’s Better Question: Doesn’t a good leader fight when it’s appropriate to fight, run away when it’s appropriate to run away, and befriend when it’s appropriate to befriend?
YES!
A good leader isn’t one who merely follows his or her own instincts when under stress. Rather, a good leader discerns what’s best and then leads the people in doing that. And what is best for people? God’s ways are best.
Semi-Conclusion: Therefore, the best leaders follow God’s ways, resist being controlled by fear, discern what’s best for others, and see that that is done.
Relate That To Families and Church
Allow me to relate that to the family and church now.
Those who are best suited to lead in the family and church are those who are so filled with Christ’s love that stress and fear don’t control them. When under stress, they don’t resort to fighting, flighting, befriending, or freezing, but turn to Christ to relieve their fears. Then, they seek God’s direction in guiding others. Maybe the Lord is leading a group in confronting an issue. Maybe the Lord is leading a group to make peace and diffuse a situation. Maybe the Lord is leading a group to withdrawing from conflict. Whatever the course may be, leaders obey the Lord in carrying out His instructions and seeing that those they’re in charge of do too.
Good leaders have God’s Word planted in them, and they are abiding in Him with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. They are fully integrated and fully surrendering to Christ’s cleansing work in all parts of their lives. This protects them from being enslaved to fears, helps them discern what to do, and enables them to act in a way that produces the fruit of the spirit.
Confusing Confusions
Perhaps there is some confusion about men-only leading in the home and church because leaders must have the power to confront or fight if appropriate, and men do that more instinctively than women. In this, men can make good leaders. Likewise, leaders must have the power to befriend when necessary, which women tend to do more instinctively than men. In this, women can make good leaders. But again, we don’t decide who best leads based on our God-given instincts.
You’d be very suspicious of me if I told you the most important quality of a leader was to be something I myself do instinctively. For me, that’s neither befriending nor fighting, but running away and quietly contemplating. My stress reaction is usually hiding and analyzing. Thus, I default to believing that detachment and discernment are the most important qualities in a leader.
Come now. Let’s have none of that self-preferential nonsense. Good leaders don’t just discern what is right to do, they also do it too. And they don’t glorify their own strengths or instincts but can defer to others to do what needs to be done.
Anyone can discern a seemingly good and godly course of action. Anyone can carry out seemingly good and godly things. But it’s only when we are walking in the spirit that we can both discern and act in a way that produces the fruit of the spirit and brings glory to God.
When we designate leaders in response to our fears—fear of being incapable, fear of losing power, fear of not being represented, fear that one gender will take over, or fear that God doesn’t empower both genders—we are acting according to instincts, not God’s love. God’s perfect love casts out these fears and enables us to love and empower each other with courage because we believe it’s God doing the work in and through us. He works through men. He works through women.
Concluding Conclusions
In conclusion, the most important characteristic of a Christian leader is being united with Christ with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, so that we glorify God as we discern and do His will.
I think God designed men and women to lead together in this. I think God invites men and women to discern God’s will, carry out His plans, and defer to one another’s strengths in the power of the Holy Spirit.
It really is like a physical body where the different parts take turns saying to one another, “You do this so well. You take it from here!”
“Thanks! I’ll take it for this length and then pass it off to the next one.”
The End
Thank you for joining me for Abby’s quasi-psych. Join us next week for Abby’s quasi-cooking where I’ll use everything my children didn’t eat for lunch to make dinner for myself.
Amen!