A Short Story About What Didn't Happen in Genesis 3

but maybe still can

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

The woman said to man, “Uh, Husband-Man, the serpent is talking to me. Is that normal?”

And the man said, “Well, dogs say ‘bow wow’ and cats say ‘meow.’ I’m not sure yet what all the animals say, especially that fox, so maybe serpents say, ‘Did-God-really-say-you-must-not-eat-from-any-tree-in-the-garden’.”

“Oh,” replied the woman.

So the serpent said again, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

Recognizing this was not a rhetorical question, the woman replied, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”

Then the man interjected, “God didn’t say that!”

“He didn’t?” the woman asked.

“No, he didn’t,” the man replied.

“Well, what did he say then?” the woman asked.

“He said ‘You are free to eat from any tree in the garden, but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it, you will certainly die.”

“Same difference,” the woman replied.

“I have no idea what you just said, Oh-Flesh-of-My-Flesh-and-Bone-of-My-Bone,” the man replied.

“We really must come up with a different nickname for me. Maybe one that’s shorter,” the woman replied.

“Agreed,” the man replied. “I’ll think of it.”

“Anyway, proceed, serpent.”

So the serpent said to the woman, “If you eat of it, you will not die. For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

The man said, “Woaw! Woaw! Woaw! God didn’t say any of that either.”

The woman said, “Are you sure?”

The man said, “Yes! I was there. How many times do I have to tell you?”

“You seem to enjoy telling me again and again. Are you trying to say that you have an advantage over me because you were made first?”

The man said, “No! I mean, yes! It’s just the facts. God made me, told me the rule, and then made you whereby I told you the rule, but apparently not very well. So let’s go over this again: God’s rule doesn’t mention anything about becoming like God.”

The woman said, “Okay, okay. Keep your shirt on.”

“My what?”

“Oh wait, you’re naked,” she said. “Never mind.”

“You’re naked too.”

“True. And pretty nice looking at that. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Without question.”

At that point, the serpent cleared its throat. “Ahem.”

“Oh, excuse me,” the woman replied. “What were you saying?”

The serpent repeated itself, “Did God really say you both must not eat from any tree in the garden.”

The woman scratched her head. “That is a good question. Oh Husband-man, did God tell you if the rule was just for you or was it for me too? What verb-ending did he use?”

“Singular,” the man replied because he’d paid attention to the Word.

“So technically that rule doesn’t apply to me. Does it?” she said.

“Uh, I guess not,” the man replied, but he grew uncomfortable. Why would the Lord request the man to do something differently than the woman? That didn’t seem fair.

“So I can eat it!” the woman said.

At that, the serpent reminded her, “You will not certainly die. For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some.

Then a great heat rushed over the man. His blood began to course through his body, and his adrenaline increased his oxygen intake. He wanted to do something forceful, perhaps even violent, but he wasn’t sure what.

The woman looked at him curiously. He’d balled his hands into fists, and his muscles seemed bigger. “What are you doing?” she asked him.

“I don’t know,” he replied. “I think I need to . . . to kibosh something.”

“Kibosh? What does kibosh mean? I’ve never heard that word before.”

The man tried to explain, but the more he tried to talk, the more tongue-tied he became. At last, he stopped trying to explain, grabbed the serpent by the tail, and swung it around his head until it made a whirling sound. When it had reached a frightful speed, he let it go. It torpedoed into the sky and disappeared behind the distant trees.

“Oh wow!” the woman said. “I didn’t know you could do that.”

The man smiled. He felt better. “Neither did I.” They laughed. “Want to see how far it went?”

“Sure,” she replied, dropping the fruit to join him in the search.

The hunt was fruitless, but enjoyable nonetheless because they loved each other’s company. While searching, the man explained to the woman how he’d flung the serpent. He believed the woman could learn to do it too if she wished. This idea appealed to the woman, but something was bothering her. So after giving up the hope of finding the serpent and sitting down to lunch, the woman asked, “Oh, Husband-of-Mine?”

“Yes, O Bone-of-My-Bone-and-Flesh-of-My-Flesh?”

“No nickname yet?”

“Not yet”

“Well, I was just thinking. The serpent is one of God’s wild creatures. Right? Do you think it’s okay to swing him around by the tail like that?”

The man thought about this and then replied, “But it seemed right to do because it was dangerous.”

”But it wasn’t sharp, hot, or violent.”

“I know this,” the man replied. “It seemed dangerous in another way.”

“What way?”

Once again the man couldn’t answer. He wasn’t sure.

“Well, anyway,” the woman went on, “do you think swinging the serpent around by its tail, albeit invigorating, is the right way to deal with the serpent’s questions?”

“Oh,” said the man. “I hadn’t thought of that.” He looked at the woman in surprise. She thought of things he’d not considered.

The woman went on. “God told us to rule all the living creatures. I think I was there for that. Wasn’t I?”

“I’m a bit unclear about that part of the story,” the man replied.

“Same,” the woman replied. “But at any rate, we are to rule the creatures. Doesn’t this mean we are to rule the serpent too?”

“That sounds correct,” the man replied, seeing things in a new light.

“And does ruling the serpent mean we swing it around by its tail?”

At that, the man felt uncomfortable. “I supposed not.”

“We already know that the dog is good at retrieving, and the cat is soft and playful. The pigeon carries things, and the owl can see at night. You named them well and we’re learning what they do. Right?”

“You make good sense, O-Bony-Flesh.”

“Ugh! Is that my nickname? That won’t do.”

“How about Fleshy-Bone?”

“Yikes! ‘Woman’ is fine for now. Anyway, as I was saying, shouldn’t we find out this serpent’s function? Maybe its function is to ask us questions. Maybe we were meant to seek the answers.”

The man had mixed emotions about this idea. He very much wanted to swing the serpent around by its tail again. That had been satisfactory in several ways. It got rid of the serpent. It was an outlet for that boiling feeling inside, and the woman had praised him. He wanted to do it again. Speaking to the serpent, on the other hand, he didn’t care for that. “I don’t want to talk to the serpent,” the man replied.

“Why not?” the woman asked.

The man could not say. He hardly knew what was going on inside him. It felt like a stormy cloud. “I don’t know. I just don’t want to,” he said.

She could not understand him, but there was no point in repeating themselves, so they continued with their lunch and their tranquil lives until one day the woman ran into the serpent again.

“Oh, it’s you again,” the woman said. “Hello.”

Her husband, who was with her, made a disgruntled face at the serpent.

Once again, the serpent addressed the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

“No,” the woman replied. “God just told that to the Husband-Man, not me.”

Then the serpent said to the woman, “If you eat of it, you will not certainly die. For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

“So you say,” said the woman curiously. She was eager to learn the truth, so once again she took some fruit.

Again, the man felt that burning sensation tingle down his arms. However, this time he remembered that he was a ruler of the wild creatures and probably shouldn’t use his strength to fling them . . . at least not right away. So instead, he said to the serpent, “Hey! You serpent! God gave us rule over this garden to work it and subdue it. You are not subdued. You are chaotic! So I have the authority to tell you to get out of this garden. Be gone!”

The woman looked at him admiringly again. “That was a nice speech,” she said. “Do you think it’ll work?”

They both turned to gaze at the serpent. It did not seem affected by the man’s words. It flicked its tongue and stayed exactly where it was.

“I’m going to count to three!” the man said. “One . . . two . . . three!” Then the man leaped forward and snatched the serpent by the tail again. He swung it around his head with great satisfaction and released it into the air where far off in the garden, it plopped through the foliage and to the ground once more.

The woman gazed at him in silence.

“What?” he asked.

“I thought we’d decided we weren’t going to fling the serpent.”

“You saw what happened. I gave it a chance. It didn’t leave!”

“True. But has it left now?”

The man squinted. “Well, it left you alone.”

“But do you think it’ll leave me alone for good?” she asked.

“We’ll just have to stick together then,” the man resolved with determined grit.

The woman had no objection to this. She liked the man. Several days later, the snake approached the woman and asked her the same question. This time the man had thought of something new to say.

“Hey, you serpent! How come you keep asking the woman that?” he demanded. “Why don’t you address me? I’m the one who knows what God said! God said it to me! Talk to me, not to her!”

The serpent flicked its tongue at the man, but seemed entirely uninterested in him.

The woman sighed. “It knows that, O Husband-Man,” she said. “God told the rule to you. You have your rule already. It knows that. I know that. We all know that. But we want to know if God’s rule has any bearing on me. Is the fruit good for me to acquire the knowledge of good and evil? Do I get a rule too? Is it the same as yours? That’s what the serpent’s asking.”

“Yes!” the man replied emphatically. “What God said to me applies to you too!”

“Does it?” the woman asked. “God said ‘you’ singular, not ‘you’ plural. He didn’t tell you what to do about me. Did he?”

“No,” the man said uncertainly.

“Then does it apply to me?”

The man paced left and right. He ran his fingers through his perfect hair and growled with some new emotion that he didn’t understand. He felt the urge to kibosh something again, but when his eyes fell on the woman, a shudder went through his body. No, not her. He didn’t want to kibosh her. Then what!?

“I don’t know!” the man finally confessed. “I don’t know if the rule applies to you! I don’t know your rule!”

“God didn’t tell you?” she asked him.

“No!” he cried falling to his knees and putting his face in his hands. “I know God made me first and told me the rule, and I got to name the animals too. Sure, I flung the serpent, but I don’t see that any of that helps us in this situation. What good is being made first against such chaos?”

The woman looked at the man with new admiration. He was not only strong; he was humble and truthful. He wouldn’t pretend to know her best. She dropped the fruit and knelt beside him. “What will we do then? You know what God told you, but how will we discover if it’s also for me?”

They were silent. The waters of the four Eden rivers gushed through their courses not far off beneath the trees, and the serpent entwined itself around the Fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. They got the feeling that it wouldn’t leave them alone until they had an answer.

Suddenly, the man perked up.

“I know!” he declared. “Let’s ask God. That Guy knows everything!”

The woman beamed. “What an excellent idea! I knew you’d think of something!”

The man peered at his wife with new appreciation. “I don’t really know what to call you, Woman, but I know what you’ve been to me.”

“What’s that?” she asked.

“A sharpener of iron.”

“What’s iron?” she asked.

The man laughed. “I don’t know. Let’s ask God that too!”

---